Toxicity in Relationships

It is so easy to ignore the toxic behaviors of a person you love, or believe to love, while in a relationship with them, and the way that toxic behaviors exist can be as wide ranging as there are the amount of people in the world.  I will outline some of the behaviors I find most unsettling in this blog.

First, lies.  Lies can come in so many different flavors and just about everyone is guilty of shifting the truth in some fashion or another, but severe lying - compulsive, even - is something drastically different.  If you catch your lover in lies and they deny those lies, or find ways to circle around their lies to confuse and defer blame of those lies then there is something seriously unhealthy going on.

This is one of those things that doesn't even have to be direct, either.  Just the fact that your lover lies in general means that it is only a matter of time before your trust in this person dissipates into oblivion.

Passive aggressive comments are another big sign of an unhealthy relationship, especially if they are done in such a fashion that makes it seem like a joke in public.  Let's just take out the possibility of it being meant seriously, that means your lover is utilizing you as the butt of their joke.  That instantly puts on display a lack of respect for you.  Now, obviously, comes the fact that there is meaning behind it as otherwise it wouldn't be said.

Passive aggressive comments belittle the recipient to such a degree that the effects aren't directly known.  Their emotional and mental well being just consistently shrinks over time, the more they hear these comments, so that where they may have initially thought, "this is a harmless joke," they no longer laugh.

Then there is controlling behavior.  If your lover tries to dominate what you do, how you do things, or expects severe double standards out of the relationship - especially if they have far more freedom than you do - then there is a very degrading situation brewing.

It isn't fair to anyone in a relationship to be looked at as less of a person inside the relationship, and it most certainly isn't conducive to allowing the person to grow into a better person.

Analyzing these traits, at least in my mind, leads me to believe they are all inherently connected by a single personality trait - insecurity.

Why would someone lie so consistently, and then try to wrap their denial around in so many paths that it is impossible to follow?  Because they are insecure with themselves and look for a means to feel better about their actions.

Why would someone make such passive aggressive comments?  Because they don't know how to effectively portray what they feel in a constructive, healthy, and respectful fashion - and why wouldn't they know how to do that?  Because they are insecure about their feelings.

Why would someone be so controlling?  Because they feel that if they don't control the person then they will lose the person - again, insecurity.

Now, what is the most basic reason for insecurity?  What is the root of why a person is so insecure?  Where does it stem from, insecurity?

You tell me what you think the answer may be.

-Dustin S. Stover

For my collection of short stories, click below:
Kindle:  Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook:  Happiness in a Void of Darkness

What Should We Focus on for Love?

As an individual, we're all lonely. We all seek out these deeply profound connections to other living beings in an effort to fill this gaping hole that can only exist in our minds. We pass people on the road, we pass people walking through the mall or store, we stand behind people in line at the restaurant, and yet we always have this longing for something more.

In theory, every lover should start as a friend but we all know that rarely happens. Boy sees girl, boy asks girl out on a date, then another date if the first goes well, and it is all with the intention of getting to a point of togetherness that extends well beyond a mere friendship and it all bases itself purely in a sense that the two people's attraction to one another was, essentially, enough to judge how lasting a relationship might be. (This is obviously a generalization and strictly being utilized to make a point – situations may vary.)

That is, primarily, a perfect depiction as to how desperate humanity is to fill the space next to the individual.

Even in situations where the two people desire a slower pace to get to know one another, that physical attraction can be alarmingly hard to deny, which can, in turn, spiral the entire process of getting to know another out of control. Before the two know it, a type of dependent relationship has been formed and the two individuals may not even be able to tolerate one another.

And still, it is just to occupy the innate emotion of loneliness – filling an imaginary gap in one's life. Looking at the dating world from this perspective, it is no wonder why so many marriages end in divorce, but how can we prevent it? Is it just the way humans are wired emotionally, latching onto narrow threads of emotional hope in an effort to justify time spent?

The opposite side of the spectrum isn't really any better - the non-committal side of the equation, casual and meaningless everything with casual encounters.  Sometimes they're lined up through the shady, back ended areas of the internet like Craigslist Personals and other times finding the one at the bar who is at just the right level of intoxication to drop their inhibitions for a night of adult fun, only to wake the next day and wonder why they made the choice to not use a rubber with someone they can barely remember the name of – was it Jamie or Jenny?

Both sides of this equation are trying to solve the same problem, despite their deeply different means of going about doing so, and yet both fail miserably. Why is this?

The answer is quite simple – no one ever really gets to know the other person before developing emotions. Better yet, how many people truly know themselves well enough to concern themselves with who someone else is? I get it, it is hard working full time, paying bills, trying to socialize with people you tolerate and sometimes enjoy, making dinner, cleaning the house, trying to find a hobby that gives you a reason to wake up the following day and do it all over again, and trying to find a love interest. It leaves little room to do the, perhaps, hardest things in the world – analyze yourself enough to fully understand who you are.

I'm not talking about the, “I know who I am because I enjoy the job I do and I have kids to take care of,” knowing, either. I'm talking about the kind of knowing in which there is full understanding of how you'd react in a situation never encountered before due to being able to visualize the emotions it would provoke inside. I'm talking about having such a deep understanding of yourself that you can sit in a room alone and think about where the emotions you are encumbered by stem from, and have the ability to work your way through it all to readily accept things as they truly are – not sugar coating them in a way that makes you feel better about them. I'm talking about the ability to call yourself out on how much of a bullshitter you truly are, not cover up lies with more lies because those lies you've told yourself to hide from the truth prevent you from seeing where the truth even began at.

There are few things in this world more painful than someone else seeing you for your true self when you can't. How much lonelier does it get to lie next to someone who sees your strengths and weaknesses when you've made up strengths to hide the fact that you have weaknesses? And really, who wants to be with someone who refuses to grow beyond where they are at in that stage of their life?

I firmly believe that the central point of every healthy relationship revolves around that one simple thing – knowing yourself, both people (or in some cases, three or four people – I'm not here to judge) involved in the relationship knowing themselves. If you can't maintain a realistic perspective of yourself then how can you have a realistic perspective of someone else, and if you can't have a realistic perspective of the person (or people) you're with then how can you ever hope to have a healthy relationship?

Anyway, let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

-Dustin S. Stover

For short stories written by me, follow the links below.

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness