Displaying Love Accordingly

How does a couple overcome differences in showing love?

For the sake of saving time, I won't go into detail about the languages of love - for more research in the area do a quick google search of the five languages of love.  It is pretty self explanatory.

So what happens when the two people in a relationship have different languages they speak?  First, of course, is that if you display love by giving gifts and your spouse needs physical touch as their form of love then the spouse may well not ever feel that you don't display that you love them.  It could even push the loved one so far as to feel unloved.

The easiest way to bridge this gap is to, of course, listen - the most vital part of a relationship is communication, the two way communication - but listening isn't enough as it also requires action to change the way you display your love.

This brings about an important question - why shouldn't the loved one change the way they feel loved.  After all, if you're buying gifts for them then it is their responsibility to understand that is how you show you love them.

But, by default, love is to appreciate the other person as much as, or more, than yourself.  Therefore, in order to show that kind of respect and appreciation it is the one displaying the love's responsibility to ensure that the loved one feels loved.

Of course this goes deep because sometimes it is so against our nature.  Maybe you struggle being physical and that is the way your loved one desires to be shown love.  Maybe you can't afford that beautiful necklace, but that is what she wants.

As with all things worth doing, they are worth putting in an effort for.  A lot of this - financial situations aside - just requires thought and consideration before making an action.  Ask yourself before making the action, "what would my loved one want?"  "would they prefer this fancy meal or would they rather take a long walk holding hands under the stars?"

This obviously has to work on a two way street, as well.  What good is a relationship where only one person is displaying the love?

-Dustin S. Stover

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook:   Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Being Afraid of Love

Love is arguably one of the most dangerous things a person can do.  True love, that is to truly say that another person is equal or more valuable than yourself and to value your time with that person more than anything else.  To feel as though no amount of time is going to be enough time with that person.

So naturally, there are people who fear that kind of feeling.  They may not ever know that feeling for whatever reason - which, I used to believe that everyone knew this feeling at least once in their life but have recently met an individual who seems to have never grasped that emotion.  It has piqued my interest as I've begun to try to understand why.

See, most people fall in love when they are young, before they ever know who they are or what they want out of a partner.  This leads to the obvious inevitability of forcing a relationship to work, or making more sacrifices and compromises than would ever truly be healthy, or to the ending of a relationship and the forcing of self discovery.

To never fall in love, though.  How does one slip through that grasp?

The best answer I can come up with is the inability to love.  There are several reasons behind this, though.

Let us start off with the superficial reasoning - abuse of substances.  Without going into the various theories of why people become addicted to substances I will simply say that when someone abuses substances it blocks their ability to care for other people in any substantial way.  It is like wearing a mask to hide from all the real emotions one might feel if that mask is removed.

As I'm thinking about people who abuse substances I am also confronted with a correlation - those with the second reasoning, at least those in which I have personal experiences with, also suffer from substance abuse.

Which leads me into the second reason - selfishness.  People who focus in on themselves as the only thing, or major thing, that matters cannot possibly see an equality of value in someone else.

This naturally leads into more questions - questions that I will explore at a later point in time.

For now, feel free to share your experiences of someone being incapable of loving, whether it be you or someone you know.

-Dustin S. Stover

If you enjoy my writing and would like to see me continue doing so, please click the ad on my page or purchase my short stories linked below.

Kindle Version: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
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Compromise

I've been told my countless people, and even believed myself, that compromise was the most necessary part of a relationship - well, that and communication.  What if, however, that is wrong?

I am going to step away from relationships and go to work for a moment.  We all work and we all do things in our job that compromise our work, whether it be wearing personal protective equipment that we find to be unnecessary and make our jobs variably more difficult or if it is forcing us to work a schedule that conflicts with our natural sleep cycle.  We can all relate to that feeling of compromise for a paycheck.

The problem with compromising for a paycheck is that it almost exclusively leads to resentment for the work we do.  Maybe you love everything about your job other than that one person you have to work with every Wednesday - you're going to hate going into work every Wednesday.

How does this relate back to relationships?  Well, it is quite simple.  In order for the vast majority of us to alleviate that feeling of loneliness by being with someone else, we must compromise.  Sometimes it is something minor like not going to that one restaurant you love because your spouse hates it.  Maybe it is something more major like being forced to give up your favorite hobby.  Anyway you look at this, it has a similar affect as those compromises for a paycheck.

In order for us to get laid we have to compromise with the one we love, but is that really the best solution?

One day is going to come when you're, again, going to that horrible Chinese restaurant - you hate Chinese in this case - to please your spouse once again and all you can think is, "why the fuck am I always giving up going to that Italian restaurant so they can have their Chinese.  I mean, I'm going to have the shits tomorrow and the worst that will happen to them at the Italian restaurant is they dislike their food as much as I'm going to dislike mine tonight.  How can they not see my sacrifice?"

An easy remedy for this goes back to something I touched upon at the beginning of this blog - communication.  Talk it out and hopefully a resolution can be had, but what if it can't?  For this mental exercise we will assume talking has already happened and nothing has changed.

See, at this point every reader is thinking, "I KNOW!  RIGHT!  I HATE that Chinese place!"  Or just pretend you're saying that.

By the time the dinner is over, even if you don't notice it, your mood towards your loved one has grown more distant.  Hardly the healthy outcome.  Maybe it is such a small disconnect that you two still go home and practice your sexual fantasies on one another, or maybe when they roll over and try to put you in the mood - possibly even as a thank you for appreciating them for that horrendous Chinese food - you simply can't partake.  "Not tonight, honey.  I've got a headache," you'll say before rolling over and focusing on just how much you hate Chinese food as your stomach is growling with even more discontent than your brain is telling you to feel.

There is a multitude of compromises made every day in a relationship from small to large, but perhaps the easiest solution for the atrocious Chinese food is for you both to go to different restaurants and take it home to eat together at the kitchen table.  Bam, no compromises made and everyone goes to bed with a happy tummy.

Other situations are not nearly as simplistic.  I will take on the hobby aspect of this.  Maybe you love wood working, but your love hates the smell and is a much more modern house decorator.  The chairs you've made throughout your life, the desks, coffee table, and tv stand all need to be thrown out and sold because, well, your love hates them and wants that smooth black and metal finished product to match the robot feel of the living room and kitchen.

This can obviously upset even the most stable of people.  You can try talking this one out, maybe you take one room and decorate it with your hard work, maybe you take the whole house and they hate it, or you sell all your hard work on craigslist for pennies on the time you spent making it and you get sent into a deep, dark depression feeling like the things you value most in life are meaningless to the one you love.

Any of the options above are a really tough spot to be in since it will most certainly render a split in the two involved.  Suddenly it becomes a matter of forcing things that should never be forced.  Perhaps, then, the better option is to just find someone who appreciates the time and effort you put into it - maybe that is one of the things they even love about you and they wish to become very active in creating those amazing pieces of art.

Maybe the two of you can outgrow that outdated wood look and move into modern sculpturing to decorate your living quarters.

Compromise is a very tricky thing in a relationship.  Once you start compromise it is very hard to see where it will end.  A little bit here and there is alright, but when does too much become a breaking point and can no longer bridge that gap?  That, my dear reader, is up to you to decide.

-Dustin S. Stover

As always, you can find my collection of short stories for sale on Kindle and Nook at the following links:

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook:   Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Most Pleasant Poem I've Ever Heard

There is a touch of sadness in your eyes right now.  You're talking about bad times through them, the things you've seen, and the things you've felt - whether directly or indirectly.

There floats an invisible ripple for a moment as I start to see a glimpse into something you don't want me to see.  We both acknowledge that I know it exists but before conversation goes any further the topic has changed.

A bubble forms out of your words, a never ending stream of happiness.  I believe it to be caused by our mutual enjoyment of one another, but I'm certain that you could find happiness in anything.  It is a part of you.  It is you.

Like the child with withered and torn clothing, too poor to eat meat from the market and survives on fruits and vegetables alone, yet even in the rainiest of rainy days he still finds himself outside dancing to invisible sounds and kicking a paper ball around the street.  He knows things could be better for him - how could he not - but he still finds a means to be happy.

And that's what your lips tell me while you speak.  They tell me there is happiness where the average person can find none.  Even if it is just your head hitting the pillow at the end of a long, hard fought day.

The trouble comes when our eyes lock.  The rest of the world floats away and it is just us.  I forget that I don't like it so much here, I forget that I work a job that pays me the least I've made in my adult life.  I forget that I have a past or a future or a present, for that matter.  All I can do is focus on your words, taking them in, absorbing what I gain from you.

And then you do this little dance in the sand.  Even though it is in the dead of the night, the hotel lights illuminate you as you laugh at yourself for being silly.  I don't see silly, though.  How could I see silly?

I see life.

And that, my dear, is why you're the most beautiful, the most pleasant poem that I've ever heard.

-Dustin S. Stover

Indulging in Experiences

I want to explore the different methods in which a couple can experience things together in this blog post.

Firstly, you have the obvious one.  The experiences that the two people mutually enjoy.  Maybe it is going rock climbing - which, this one has an added bonus of improving trust as well as the experience itself causing two people to grow together.  Maybe it is a concert for a band both companions enjoy.  Maybe it is fishing or whatever, just so long as the two people mutually find enjoyment.

But, let me dig in a bit deeper.  There is, of course, complications with this - at least, possible complications.  Maybe one person enjoys rock climbing because it clears their mind, it forces them to focus on one thing and making a break from the stresses of every day life.  The other person, however, could like the challenge of it - the ability to constantly get better at doing this.  Right away we can see the possibility of conflict in the mutual enjoyment.  One person tries to turn it into a competition with the other, the other person simply wants to escape stress.  

Of course, two people can meet in the middle on this as well.  Maybe that competitive nature of their significant other takes them even further away from their stresses.  Maybe they both slow down enough to just relax from it all.

There is another kind of experience that should also be discussed.  The kind of experience in which one person enjoys the experience and the other simply goes along in support.  Now, I could throw in my personal experiences into this mix; however, I'm just going to rattle off the various outcomes I can fathom from this scenario.

One would have the obvious side effect of the partner enjoying themselves as well.  Maybe it is from the sight of how much their loved one enjoys the situation or maybe it is due to finding out they have quite an interest in their experience.  This is the most pleasant outcome I could imagine.

Another outcome would be apathetic.  They really don't care.  This could easily be predictable behavior, it could create a divide between the couple, or it could render an apathetic nature as well.  I'd imagine that under the right circumstances it could even be a welcome response - perhaps you don't want your significant other to do said thing with you as you feel it is your alone time.  

Any way you spin the second method, though, it is far more enjoyable than the last response.  The final fundamental response I can imagine is a distaste for the experience.  Going back to the rock climbing, imagine how miserable you'd be if you were the one who enjoyed the rock climbing and your partner complained about it the entire time.  Or better yet, imagine being the one who hates it so much that you just wish the whole nightmare was over already.

This is easily the most divisive response.  Not only would it put the one who dislikes the experience in a bad mood (imagine spending 8 hours on the side of that mountain when you hate it), but that body language is going to feed into the one who'd normally enjoy themselves' bad time.  It is quite easy to imagine how resentment could grow from this - the mindset that, "well, I did this for you so what are you going to do for me?"  That kind of feeling is never positive in a relationship where respect and value is placed highly on one another.

Can you think of any other fundamental response to shared experiences?

-Dustin S. Stover

For more reading pleasure, check out my collection of short stories!

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Nook:   Happiness in a Void of Darkness