Displaying Love Accordingly

How does a couple overcome differences in showing love?

For the sake of saving time, I won't go into detail about the languages of love - for more research in the area do a quick google search of the five languages of love.  It is pretty self explanatory.

So what happens when the two people in a relationship have different languages they speak?  First, of course, is that if you display love by giving gifts and your spouse needs physical touch as their form of love then the spouse may well not ever feel that you don't display that you love them.  It could even push the loved one so far as to feel unloved.

The easiest way to bridge this gap is to, of course, listen - the most vital part of a relationship is communication, the two way communication - but listening isn't enough as it also requires action to change the way you display your love.

This brings about an important question - why shouldn't the loved one change the way they feel loved.  After all, if you're buying gifts for them then it is their responsibility to understand that is how you show you love them.

But, by default, love is to appreciate the other person as much as, or more, than yourself.  Therefore, in order to show that kind of respect and appreciation it is the one displaying the love's responsibility to ensure that the loved one feels loved.

Of course this goes deep because sometimes it is so against our nature.  Maybe you struggle being physical and that is the way your loved one desires to be shown love.  Maybe you can't afford that beautiful necklace, but that is what she wants.

As with all things worth doing, they are worth putting in an effort for.  A lot of this - financial situations aside - just requires thought and consideration before making an action.  Ask yourself before making the action, "what would my loved one want?"  "would they prefer this fancy meal or would they rather take a long walk holding hands under the stars?"

This obviously has to work on a two way street, as well.  What good is a relationship where only one person is displaying the love?

-Dustin S. Stover

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook:   Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Being Afraid of Love

Love is arguably one of the most dangerous things a person can do.  True love, that is to truly say that another person is equal or more valuable than yourself and to value your time with that person more than anything else.  To feel as though no amount of time is going to be enough time with that person.

So naturally, there are people who fear that kind of feeling.  They may not ever know that feeling for whatever reason - which, I used to believe that everyone knew this feeling at least once in their life but have recently met an individual who seems to have never grasped that emotion.  It has piqued my interest as I've begun to try to understand why.

See, most people fall in love when they are young, before they ever know who they are or what they want out of a partner.  This leads to the obvious inevitability of forcing a relationship to work, or making more sacrifices and compromises than would ever truly be healthy, or to the ending of a relationship and the forcing of self discovery.

To never fall in love, though.  How does one slip through that grasp?

The best answer I can come up with is the inability to love.  There are several reasons behind this, though.

Let us start off with the superficial reasoning - abuse of substances.  Without going into the various theories of why people become addicted to substances I will simply say that when someone abuses substances it blocks their ability to care for other people in any substantial way.  It is like wearing a mask to hide from all the real emotions one might feel if that mask is removed.

As I'm thinking about people who abuse substances I am also confronted with a correlation - those with the second reasoning, at least those in which I have personal experiences with, also suffer from substance abuse.

Which leads me into the second reason - selfishness.  People who focus in on themselves as the only thing, or major thing, that matters cannot possibly see an equality of value in someone else.

This naturally leads into more questions - questions that I will explore at a later point in time.

For now, feel free to share your experiences of someone being incapable of loving, whether it be you or someone you know.

-Dustin S. Stover

If you enjoy my writing and would like to see me continue doing so, please click the ad on my page or purchase my short stories linked below.

Kindle Version: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook Version:   Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Compromise

I've been told my countless people, and even believed myself, that compromise was the most necessary part of a relationship - well, that and communication.  What if, however, that is wrong?

I am going to step away from relationships and go to work for a moment.  We all work and we all do things in our job that compromise our work, whether it be wearing personal protective equipment that we find to be unnecessary and make our jobs variably more difficult or if it is forcing us to work a schedule that conflicts with our natural sleep cycle.  We can all relate to that feeling of compromise for a paycheck.

The problem with compromising for a paycheck is that it almost exclusively leads to resentment for the work we do.  Maybe you love everything about your job other than that one person you have to work with every Wednesday - you're going to hate going into work every Wednesday.

How does this relate back to relationships?  Well, it is quite simple.  In order for the vast majority of us to alleviate that feeling of loneliness by being with someone else, we must compromise.  Sometimes it is something minor like not going to that one restaurant you love because your spouse hates it.  Maybe it is something more major like being forced to give up your favorite hobby.  Anyway you look at this, it has a similar affect as those compromises for a paycheck.

In order for us to get laid we have to compromise with the one we love, but is that really the best solution?

One day is going to come when you're, again, going to that horrible Chinese restaurant - you hate Chinese in this case - to please your spouse once again and all you can think is, "why the fuck am I always giving up going to that Italian restaurant so they can have their Chinese.  I mean, I'm going to have the shits tomorrow and the worst that will happen to them at the Italian restaurant is they dislike their food as much as I'm going to dislike mine tonight.  How can they not see my sacrifice?"

An easy remedy for this goes back to something I touched upon at the beginning of this blog - communication.  Talk it out and hopefully a resolution can be had, but what if it can't?  For this mental exercise we will assume talking has already happened and nothing has changed.

See, at this point every reader is thinking, "I KNOW!  RIGHT!  I HATE that Chinese place!"  Or just pretend you're saying that.

By the time the dinner is over, even if you don't notice it, your mood towards your loved one has grown more distant.  Hardly the healthy outcome.  Maybe it is such a small disconnect that you two still go home and practice your sexual fantasies on one another, or maybe when they roll over and try to put you in the mood - possibly even as a thank you for appreciating them for that horrendous Chinese food - you simply can't partake.  "Not tonight, honey.  I've got a headache," you'll say before rolling over and focusing on just how much you hate Chinese food as your stomach is growling with even more discontent than your brain is telling you to feel.

There is a multitude of compromises made every day in a relationship from small to large, but perhaps the easiest solution for the atrocious Chinese food is for you both to go to different restaurants and take it home to eat together at the kitchen table.  Bam, no compromises made and everyone goes to bed with a happy tummy.

Other situations are not nearly as simplistic.  I will take on the hobby aspect of this.  Maybe you love wood working, but your love hates the smell and is a much more modern house decorator.  The chairs you've made throughout your life, the desks, coffee table, and tv stand all need to be thrown out and sold because, well, your love hates them and wants that smooth black and metal finished product to match the robot feel of the living room and kitchen.

This can obviously upset even the most stable of people.  You can try talking this one out, maybe you take one room and decorate it with your hard work, maybe you take the whole house and they hate it, or you sell all your hard work on craigslist for pennies on the time you spent making it and you get sent into a deep, dark depression feeling like the things you value most in life are meaningless to the one you love.

Any of the options above are a really tough spot to be in since it will most certainly render a split in the two involved.  Suddenly it becomes a matter of forcing things that should never be forced.  Perhaps, then, the better option is to just find someone who appreciates the time and effort you put into it - maybe that is one of the things they even love about you and they wish to become very active in creating those amazing pieces of art.

Maybe the two of you can outgrow that outdated wood look and move into modern sculpturing to decorate your living quarters.

Compromise is a very tricky thing in a relationship.  Once you start compromise it is very hard to see where it will end.  A little bit here and there is alright, but when does too much become a breaking point and can no longer bridge that gap?  That, my dear reader, is up to you to decide.

-Dustin S. Stover

As always, you can find my collection of short stories for sale on Kindle and Nook at the following links:

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook:   Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Most Pleasant Poem I've Ever Heard

There is a touch of sadness in your eyes right now.  You're talking about bad times through them, the things you've seen, and the things you've felt - whether directly or indirectly.

There floats an invisible ripple for a moment as I start to see a glimpse into something you don't want me to see.  We both acknowledge that I know it exists but before conversation goes any further the topic has changed.

A bubble forms out of your words, a never ending stream of happiness.  I believe it to be caused by our mutual enjoyment of one another, but I'm certain that you could find happiness in anything.  It is a part of you.  It is you.

Like the child with withered and torn clothing, too poor to eat meat from the market and survives on fruits and vegetables alone, yet even in the rainiest of rainy days he still finds himself outside dancing to invisible sounds and kicking a paper ball around the street.  He knows things could be better for him - how could he not - but he still finds a means to be happy.

And that's what your lips tell me while you speak.  They tell me there is happiness where the average person can find none.  Even if it is just your head hitting the pillow at the end of a long, hard fought day.

The trouble comes when our eyes lock.  The rest of the world floats away and it is just us.  I forget that I don't like it so much here, I forget that I work a job that pays me the least I've made in my adult life.  I forget that I have a past or a future or a present, for that matter.  All I can do is focus on your words, taking them in, absorbing what I gain from you.

And then you do this little dance in the sand.  Even though it is in the dead of the night, the hotel lights illuminate you as you laugh at yourself for being silly.  I don't see silly, though.  How could I see silly?

I see life.

And that, my dear, is why you're the most beautiful, the most pleasant poem that I've ever heard.

-Dustin S. Stover

Indulging in Experiences

I want to explore the different methods in which a couple can experience things together in this blog post.

Firstly, you have the obvious one.  The experiences that the two people mutually enjoy.  Maybe it is going rock climbing - which, this one has an added bonus of improving trust as well as the experience itself causing two people to grow together.  Maybe it is a concert for a band both companions enjoy.  Maybe it is fishing or whatever, just so long as the two people mutually find enjoyment.

But, let me dig in a bit deeper.  There is, of course, complications with this - at least, possible complications.  Maybe one person enjoys rock climbing because it clears their mind, it forces them to focus on one thing and making a break from the stresses of every day life.  The other person, however, could like the challenge of it - the ability to constantly get better at doing this.  Right away we can see the possibility of conflict in the mutual enjoyment.  One person tries to turn it into a competition with the other, the other person simply wants to escape stress.  

Of course, two people can meet in the middle on this as well.  Maybe that competitive nature of their significant other takes them even further away from their stresses.  Maybe they both slow down enough to just relax from it all.

There is another kind of experience that should also be discussed.  The kind of experience in which one person enjoys the experience and the other simply goes along in support.  Now, I could throw in my personal experiences into this mix; however, I'm just going to rattle off the various outcomes I can fathom from this scenario.

One would have the obvious side effect of the partner enjoying themselves as well.  Maybe it is from the sight of how much their loved one enjoys the situation or maybe it is due to finding out they have quite an interest in their experience.  This is the most pleasant outcome I could imagine.

Another outcome would be apathetic.  They really don't care.  This could easily be predictable behavior, it could create a divide between the couple, or it could render an apathetic nature as well.  I'd imagine that under the right circumstances it could even be a welcome response - perhaps you don't want your significant other to do said thing with you as you feel it is your alone time.  

Any way you spin the second method, though, it is far more enjoyable than the last response.  The final fundamental response I can imagine is a distaste for the experience.  Going back to the rock climbing, imagine how miserable you'd be if you were the one who enjoyed the rock climbing and your partner complained about it the entire time.  Or better yet, imagine being the one who hates it so much that you just wish the whole nightmare was over already.

This is easily the most divisive response.  Not only would it put the one who dislikes the experience in a bad mood (imagine spending 8 hours on the side of that mountain when you hate it), but that body language is going to feed into the one who'd normally enjoy themselves' bad time.  It is quite easy to imagine how resentment could grow from this - the mindset that, "well, I did this for you so what are you going to do for me?"  That kind of feeling is never positive in a relationship where respect and value is placed highly on one another.

Can you think of any other fundamental response to shared experiences?

-Dustin S. Stover

For more reading pleasure, check out my collection of short stories!

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

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What People Need in a Relationship

I recently read an article about what women need in a relationship. It got me thinking that men are equally needy in a relationship but those needs get overlooked. Beyond men being equally needy, men and women often times need the same things.

After reading the article I posted a link to a social media site which got a few comments. I noticed that the comments all repeated a similar statement – men just need food, beer and sex. I happen to know this is false because I'm a man and don't drink alcohol at all.

I have compiled a list of things below that are universally needed in a relationship with some male only needs for good measure.

A person in a relationship needs to know you love him. It goes beyond just saying the words, too. Show them you love them and they will return that sentiment.

People need active support in his decisions. Anyone can say, “yeah, honey, I think it is a good idea. You should do it.” It takes a different kind of person to help the loved one figure out payroll in their new found company.

Space. Too much space is as damaging to a relationship as too little space and every person in the world requires their own amount of space.

They want to be understood. You don't have to know exactly what to say in any given situation, but they want you to have some degree of understanding where they are coming from at any time. You may not understand their excitement over a new pair of shoes or a pool table, but you should know that they will react that way when they get it.

People want to feel special. Why do you love the other person? There are millions of reasons why someone can fall in love with another person, but why do you love the other person? Once you've figured that out then learn to express it. Is it their intelligence? Do they make you feel safe? Can you open up to them entirely? Let them know.

Everyone wants to feel sexually desired. The way someone wants to feel sexually desired is as individual as the person, but everyone wants that feeling. Whether it is through raw lust, intimate passion, dominated or subordinate. The moment the other person stops feeling sexually desired then the sex life diminishes.

We all want our pasts to be accepted. We made mistakes, and every one of us are a work in progress in some way. It is the human way to evolve our personalities throughout our life and in order to do that we must make mistakes along the way. Some will be a doozy, some will be shrugged off as though they don't matter, and others really won't matter but we all want the other person to understand that we're not there any more.

Last, we all want a future with the one we love. I do not know of anyone who gets into a relationship and thinks, “this is it. My life can end tomorrow and it is perfect.” We all want to experience that future with the loved one otherwise we wouldn't be in the relationship. That means growing together through experiences. When the experiences stop then the life with that person becomes dull. Everyone needs a different amount of experiences as well, so again this all falls back on understanding your partner.

Lastly, and this goes primarily for men, we need bacon. Bacon is great. Men love bacon and always appreciate it when a woman makes us some.

The Rabbit, The Wolf, The Way

A daring little rabbit, they say,
traversed into the deepest parts of the woods one day.
He found a grave sight within a hidden grave site
when he stumbled into a wolf's way.

Presented with a fear not like any other
the little rabbit dared to stay.
For the wolf had no appetite
and only wished to create a fear in the rabbit's bay.

Mindful of the lack of attack
the rabbit sat still, and eventually, came to ease.
The wolf, who was very distilled
had lost the ability to be pleased.

Turning from the rabbit to go the other way
the wolf made one final attempt at a tease.
He licked his lips while staring at the little rabbit
before he set forth the release.

Now the rabbit, having faced mortality,
was faced with quite the dilemma, they say.
Was he to become a stronger rabbit,
or was he simply going to stay?

-Dustin S. Stover

What is Love?

I recently asked some people what their definition of love is, but before I get into a long monologue about that here is the actual definition.

Love (noun): An intense feeling of deep affection
          (verb): to feel a deep romantic or sexual attraction

So, yeah, about as basic and non-descriptive as possible.  So now let me go into a philosophical spiel about the things people told me.

On a more simplistic and basic level, I got the answers that would immediately spring to mind - to care about someone, a great and positive feelings towards someone, and I even got the, "I don't know, it is just love."  Of course, these answers really don't lead anyone to a conclusive feeling any more than the definition does.

My favorite thing someone came to me with was a poem by Luis Vaz de Camões (this being translated from Portuguese)

Love is a fire that burns unseen, 
a wound that aches yet isn’t felt,
an always discontent contentment,
a pain that rages without hurting,

a longing for nothing but to long,
a loneliness in the midst of people, 
a never feeling pleased when pleased, 
a passion that gains when lost in thought.

It’s being enslaved of your own free will;
it’s counting your defeat a victory;
it’s staying loyal to your killer. 

But if it’s so self-contradictory,
how can Love, when Love chooses,
bring human hearts into sympathy?

So, finally, we reach some depth.  Some real, true, meaning.  

And when asking myself this very same question - what is love? - I could only come up with one thing, one answer that fit with me.  Love is the feeling that there will never be enough time with that person.  Whether it is a minute or an eternity, the feeling that tomorrow still won't be enough time to embrace the person but even knowing that time is limited, as we cannot exist for an eternity, it is still worth it to spend what little time together that can be shared.

Now, of course, we all think of love as the epitome of how much we care about someone else, or an action of staying loyal to someone.  Eventually, even, love just melts away into what two people say to one another because of the length of time spent together, but I dare you, my dear readers, to rethink that.  Next time you look at someone you love, or you used to love that still inhabits your space, think to yourself - think to yourself about what you want to do with that person.  Think about how much you'd miss them should they not be seen again tomorrow.  Remember that, at least at some point, you felt that there would never be enough time in your life to spend with them and ask yourself, has that changed?  Have you ever felt that way about another person?

What does love mean to you?

-Dustin S Stover

The Dangers of Insecurity

A recent event got me thinking quite deeply about insecurities and, more importantly, how they cause actions that are, well, less than desirable.

And of course, I've touched upon insecurities in the past - how important it is to be secure in yourself as a person, to know your strengths and weaknesses.  I won't ever neglect that importance as it seems to be the foundation of being a healthy human being.

So let me get into more detail about insecurities.  First off, they always stem from feeling as though value is lost somewhere.  They, of course, are the ones who have all the right to decide your value in their life and not you.  The moment you place your own insecurities in front of their judgment, it is to say that you don't trust them to judge you.

Yeah, yeah, go on your tangents about how people shouldn't judge - and I don't believe the typical judgments are fair, to say that because you dress or look a certain way is to mean you fit a certain criteria is unfair to any and all - however, everyone has to judge the moment someone is to enter their life in any substantial manner.

I'm guilty of being extremely cerebral.  I have a very strong tendency to try to understand anything and everything I can, but I'm also guilty of having quite cloudy judgment of how other people perceive me.  This should come as no surprise to anyone who has laid in bed at night wondering why someone else likes them or what have you.

To get back on topic, though, let's look at some of the actions that can be caused by insecurity.

A most prominent action is to question the other person's motives.  This can go into a variety of directions - are you looking to gain something from me, are you genuine in your interests, do you really care at all?  So on and so forth.  This mindset always ends badly.  For obvious reasons, it sets someone on the defense or offends them.  At the very least, it makes the insecure person seem less desirable because they appear to be rather emotionally unstable.

Another common one I've witnessed is the controlling type.  I'm sure a number have seen this overly common type.  The type who tells their significant other what they can and cannot do.  The type that makes them feel inferior in every way just to compensate their own lack of value - after all, if they do everything the insecure one desires then it must mean they love them, right?  Well, obviously not always.  Most of the time it ends up being psychologically devastating and no one wants to spend tens of thousands to undo the damage of being put down for, possibly, decades.

A third type is the one that shies away from interactions.  Perhaps a girl is interested in a guy, the guy doesn't understand why so he avoids her.  Passing up on all experience with the other person altogether.  This feeds into an even deeper problem where the insecure one starts the vicious cycle of feeling undesirable because they don't experience a relationship the way other people do so they don't take up the opportunities to explore a relationship when it presents itself.

In all of these cases, however, the core problem is the insecurity itself.  It should not be relied upon anyone else to make the insecure individual feel secure.  In the cases in which there are questions in regards to where two people stand with one another, it should be discussed in a healthy fashion.  If that insecurity in the relationship or friendship still exists afterwards then there is a fundamental problem inside the relationship - that fundamental issue is trust, but that is a topic I've previously discussed and, I'm most certain, I will discuss again in the future.

-Dustin S. stover

Coffee

Occasionally in life, we find ourselves in tricky situations.  I'm finding myself in quite the tricky situation now.  A new life, a new place, a new - well, everything is just new.  There is no easy way of saying it, it just feels as though I woke up yesterday in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people speaking an unfamiliar language.  As I said, a tricky situation.

When I went to pay for this coffee, black as the night can possibly be and as hot as the deepest part of hell, I choked on words as I fumbled through the menu.  Eventually I had to give up and point to the fresh brew.  It wasn't what I wanted.

But I sit here outside of the cafe with this harsh cup of unforgettable experience, waiting for someone who speaks my language or even understands the hand gestures I want to make.  Instead, people walk past as though I'm non-existent.

In a way, though, it is nice.  A couple walks past holding hands and speaking to one another in a way they can understand, but I understand, too.  I may just hear noises without words, but the smile they share and the way their eyes glance back and forth.  It is pure love.

A woman walks by screaming into her cell phone with the same unidentifiable language as the couple.  It tells me every bit as much about her day as the couple told me about theirs, and still without a single word.

The strong coffee is almost too much for me to handle, but I take another sip.  I paid for it, I better damn well finish it.

It isn't a completely spontaneous moment in time.  I chose to move here to this foreign land.  I chose to place myself deep inside a culture I knew little about.  I thought it would be easy enough to learn the native tongue if I only found a local who spoke two languages, with the second being mine, but alas, I find myself alone.  Still, this is an experience that money cannot buy by any other means.

A lady, late in life, is sitting at another of these tiny tables - tables they claim to be for two but I'd be hard pressed to believe it would fit more than a breakfast sized meal and a cup of this potent coffee.  She sits, however, alone and staring into the empty space across from her, the empty chair.  Her eyes unable to move from that thin metal framed, and rather uncomfortable if I'm to be honest, chair.

I take another sip of the coffee.  It has cooled quite a bit, though still hot.  The taste is more prominent now and almost pleasurable.  No, it is pleasurable.

I stare at this old woman as though she is going to speak to me, but he eyes just won't break from that chair.  Whatever is going on in her mind, it is a dangerous thought.  So, naturally, I get up and walk to her table.

I pull the chair from the table to give enough room for me to sit down and for a moment her eyes don't move, but then, as though the Earth came alive in front of her, her old and tired eyes bounce to meet mine.

"Do you speak English?" I say.

She peers at me with a confused look.  Clearly she doesn't.

I point to the chair and she smiles.  Her right hand reaches out slowly and points to the empty chair.  I sit, I place my coffee in front of me on the table across from her, what looks to be, macchiato.  Comically, that is what I wanted.

The smile, though it isn't as sturdy or open as it was when I first asked to sit, was still there as we drank our drinks.

"What is that?" Even though I knew she couldn't understand what I was saying, I hoped the hand gestures I was making made sense to her.

"Macchiato." She says with a smile as I laugh and take another sip of coffee.  It is a very good taste.

-Dustin S. Stover

Wanderlust and the Painful Urges to Travel

They say that if you want the greatest espresso in the world you should go to Italy.  If you want the greatest enchiladas then Mexico.  The greatest steak, possibly Brazil, but since I don't eat beef then you'd be a better guess at the answer to that one.

The best music comes out of Europe.  The best dancing from South America - probably also falls in line with why their soccer teams are so good, that fancy foot work.

Aside from the music aspect, how can any of us truly know without the experience of travel?  What is it about flowing gradually from location to location that terrifies people so much that they refrain from doing it?

Sure, France is far more peaceful place to go than, say, Syria currently, but Syria has just as much culture to offer (provided it weren't extraordinarily difficult to get into the country due to current war-like "conflict" happening there currently) as the most pleasant of the European countries, surely.

I've always been one to be far more attracted to the side of life that involves more struggle, more pain, more suffering than that of the happy go lucky, nothing ever goes wrong side.  Is it more dangerous?  Absolutely, but the majority of those you encounter will treat you millions of times better simply because they understand a very simplistic concept - if you don't work together as a community, even if it is just neighbors, then you simply don't survive.

It builds character, as they say.

Of course, the benefits from a society with minimal turmoil allows for certain types of personal growth - we'd never have espresso or soccer or dancing if it weren't for people's ability to feel secure enough to do those things.  Alright, we'd probably still have dancing, but have you ever seen a Brazilian dance?

Needless to say, as well, you can get all these things in pretty much any first world country around the world.  People of the United States can imitate those Brazilian dance moves that are so enthralling to watch.  There is a Starbucks on nearly every corner that will serve you an espresso.  That music I mentioned earlier?  The internet exists for a reason.

Perhaps those imitations are good enough for you, but for me it simply makes me more curious about what other little treasures the rest of the planet has to offer.

-Dustin S. Stover

The Hunt and the Hunter

The beast that beckons and howls, he grows delightfully close.  I suppose it could be a she, but the more terrifying a thing is the more masculine it is presumed to be.

There has been a hunt ages and ages long raging in the heart and soul of my people.  We are taught from birth to chase this beast and that obtaining it as a carcass is the way to become the noblest.  Men hunting alongside women for this creature of obscurity and amazement.

Few and far between have any of us seen what this demon creature looks like, yet when one of us do peer at it, even if only for a second, it encourages every last one of us to rise earlier in the morn and hunt later into the night.  This elegant beast, loud and ferocious, massive in size and legend, yet as elusive as the tiniest object in the universe.

Yet here we are again, hearing the thunderous roar of this confounding creature.  He cannot be far from here as the tracks are laid out so steadily before us, clear for all of us to see in the clearest of blue skies.

This is going to be my day.  I will have this beast with no name.  I will sit atop my chair as the most masterful, most praised tribesman to ever live.  The one who slayed the beast, the master of the trickiest creature alive.

Another roar from just out of eye sight, too many trees blocking my view.  Certainly, though, the beast cannot hear me nearing in on him.

The other hunters decided to travel together in a pack, a decent group of five.  We always come back with game when we travel in a pack, but we never get the prize in which we all truly seek.  Some claim that they are satisfied with a good sized deer, maybe even a buffalo.  They are lying to themselves, though.  They want the creature who cannot be caught.  That is why they go out on a hunt the day after capturing a big meal for all of us to share.

I, however, had to venture out alone.  I can't lie to myself any longer.  I want the beast we all know exists, yet cannot find.  I found him.  He is just on the other side of this shrubbery.  His grunt is patterned the way a man snoring in the middle of the night might be.  It is harsh, it is loud, it is angry, and it is big.

The tales report the beast being ten or fifteen feet tall and just as wide.  Enough to feed the entire village for months, or make us all fatter than we could imagine.  The one who captures it decides, though, how it is dispersed and I want it all for myself.  I want to live off of it for the remainder of my life.  I could finally stop hunting.

Some of the other hunters say that they'd share with everyone.  They say that everyone is equal, but they are a liar.  Even if that were the case, someone would try to steal extra for themselves.  Do you know how many furs could be cut from a beast that size?

Sure, some of them would be satisfied just having slightly more than everyone else, but not me.  I want it all.  I want everyone to see me with the furs as I pack the pounds onto my now tiny little frame.  Tiny because I don't eat enough.  Tiny because I spend so much time and effort trying to hunt.

I find myself still standing on the wrong side of the bush - a bush so massive that it would be the only one to hide this beast from my sight now.  I must be clever if I'm to take him down.  Strategy is everything.  My attack must be swift and precise.  I've trained my whole life for this and the time is finally here.

Some of the other tribesman weigh more than I, and I do not understand how.  They hunt small game, squirrels, rabbits, and the like.  They always have food, though.

As I'm rounding the corner the loud noises start to fade.  Is the beast aware of my presence?  How could the beast know?  No, he surely cannot know.  I've been as silent as silent can be.

I creep even more slowly around the corner.  The noise is still there and still does not sound startled; however, it doesn't sound as intense as it once did.  It does not sound as intense as it did while I was further away.

As I finish rounding the corner, I see nothing.  The sound is louder than it has ever been, yet nothing.

No, there is something there.  The beast to end all beasts, however, is no beast at all.  It is tiny.  It is the size of a small rodent, a mouse perhaps.  It opens its mouth and lets out the most ferocious and loud noise I have ever heard before it scurries into the shrubbery.  It is gone, gone now and forever.

Now I'm faced with a choice.  Did I find the fifteen foot monster and let him get away or did I fail at another hunting excursion?

-Dustin S. Stover

For more pleasures reading my work, click below!
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Dip Your Toes in the Ocean

Sometimes I like to pretend I got to have a do over as a child.  You know, have that red bike instead of the blue.  Maybe saved up chore money a little bit longer to afford the bigger super soaker to blast my neighbors with.

It is a long, slippery slope, though, and I soon have to come back to reality before I'm sifting through the millions of variables that would have changed over the course of a single year.

It is interesting, then, whenever someone I come into contact with can just make actions and stick with them.  I try to do that, and I have done that to quite a good deal of success, but to live like that... to live like that is something very admirable to me.

It always seems as though those people are happiest as well.  Being able to take in the moment for everything it is worth, being able to throw consequences to the side and say, "this is what I'm doing and to Hell with the rest of it."  It is beautiful in a way.  Perhaps one of the most beautiful things a person can see in another.

I often times from myself at odds with people like that, however.  Well, not always, but the majority of the time.  What happens, then, when someone finds a healthy balance between that fun loving nature of being in the now and being able to balance consequences of actions?

I'd like to imagine it would go a little something like this - things still stay exciting to them, and when making the choices they make they still make the better of the choices at hand.  Meaning, just because they expose themselves to greater risks doesn't mean they are actually in any more of a dangerous scenario.

A person can die doing the exact same thing every day as easily as a person can die jumping out of an airplane, provided proper attention to detail has been given to preparations for the sky diving excursion, but is it really a life worth living if everything becomes so stale that the very air being breathed in feels more like poison?

And the opposite, of course, is true.  Someone who takes no precautions in their actions can run a pretty severe risk of ruining their lives with bad choices.

One might argue that so long as someone is breathing then their life hasn't been ruined, which of course is a fair assessment.  Where someone desires something strongly enough, things can change for the better at any given point.

Perhaps, then, everyone should take more risks in their lives.  Feel that fresh air.  Let the turbulence shake you up a bit.  Let the waves crash upon your chest.  Just be smart about it.

-Dustin S. Stover

A Short Story Dedicated to Someone Nice

I shrug my shoulders at the end of yet another date.  A meaningless, trivial date that goes nowhere in a hurry and finds itself sitting at that place of nonexistence yet trying to force something to grow.

She looks at me and asks me how I feel about the weather.  I look at her and tell her it is hot, sweltering, and close enough to Hell that it would easily be mistaken.  We both laugh as she agrees, but the conversation, again, falls flat.

And at the end of the night we go our separate ways.  We parked near one another so we did an awkward walk in silence in similar directions until we end the short stroll by saying it was fun - it wasn't - and that we should do it again - we won't, but we agree upon it anyway.

Once I sit in my car, the sound of John Zorn's barely considered music playing in the background, I let out a sigh and think about how, yet again, I've led another friend to their perfect match.  Yet, of course, I can't find anyone that sits well with me.

I suppose at this time I should reflect back a bit into my past.  See, I moved to this suck fest of a town a few years back.  Desperately searching for a place through various shady websites, I finally met someone who didn't creep me out.  The room mates name - Peter.  Well, it was Pete, but he introduced himself as Peter at first.

Pete was the type of guy who had a genuine heart but couldn't really express himself effectively enough to win someone over well enough for a second date, but there was a girl I worked with that had a bit of an awkwardness to her.  After schmoozing it up a bit during the work shift, months of schmoozing, it dawned on me that Pete and the coworker - Ashley - had a lot in common.  

I asked Pete how he felt about throwing a bit of a house party and he got excited to bust out some old board games he had never gotten a chance to play.  I asked some coworkers.  He asked some friends.  It turned out to be quite the event - that's a total lie, actually.  It was five people sitting around a house, casually drinking beers and trying best to make conversation even though we had nothing really in common other than work.

Well, except Ashley and Pete.  They spent the entire night talking.  In fact, she ended up spending the night on the couch that night because once their conversation ended she was too tired to drive home.  

When the lease for that house ended, Ashley and Pete got their own place and back to the shady internet I went.

I had a string of bad experiences.  A room mate who decided that three a.m. was the perfect time to clean house using, I'm fairly certain, a sledgehammer and chainsaw.  I lasted a couple weeks before I found myself in another house.  The second place was listed as a straight laced, no frills kind of house.  What I got was a complete stoner who always had company.  It was a good thing my job didn't do random piss tests as I'd have failed by second hand inhalation alone.  I lasted a little bit longer by staying for a couple days more than a month.

Then I found myself roomed up with a girl.  I'm not going to lie, she was quite attractive.  I was afraid initially that I was going to make some kind of move on her and ruin everything but we soon discovered that we didn't care at all for one another romantically.  Something about our personalities didn't mesh that way, but we became good friends.  

Jamie was her name.  She became a sister to me, but when I moved in she had just went through a pretty rough break up.  She was engaged to a guy for almost a year, and dated for four years prior to that.  Typical story of walking in on him with her best friend.  Well, not so typical considering it was actually her mom and not best friend.  And her dad was watching.  Talk about weird stories.

Jamie went up and down with it.  Not only did she lose her lover, she cut her folks out of the picture, too.  

As she was getting emotionally stable again, however, I found myself introducing her to a guy I was trying to start a band with.  Tommy.  

Now, Tommy is a guy that when you look at him all that you can think is tattooed freak.  Piercings, tattoos, scruffy beard, long hair.  Jamie, on the other hand, was an understated kind of beauty.  No tattoos, no piercings, raised relatively conservative - probably why we'd have never worked out - and someone you'd never peg to be into a rock star.

It happened, though.  To be fair, Tommy is one of the nicest guys in the world.  The band didn't work out - all because of my lack of motivation - but Jamie and Tommy sure as hell did.  They are married and just adopted their second dog.  They also just bought their own place, which means I'm back out.  She still doesn't have any tattoos or piercings, though.

I've had my fair share of dates throughout that time - even had a bit of sex, too.  None of them stuck, though.  A crazy girl who, on a first date no less, asked me how I felt about knives being used during sex.  Another girl fell asleep while we were on a coffee date.  One girl lacked the intelligence to hold a conversation about anything deeper than the latest chick flick she watched.  

I finally met one I could talk to, hold conversation with.  Actually, it filled me with hope for the first time in years.  Then I found out she was married.

The sex that came and went was only ever so-so, but that is because, as everyone should know, great sex comes from emotions and comfort.  That's something that no amount of talent can replace.

And now here I find myself, once again, ending a date with a someone, while I'm sure is a perfectly good person, I have no connection with. 

I start the move in process for my new place tomorrow.  Another single room mate.  Another match made in heaven coming up.  It just won't be mine.

-Dustin S. Stover

For my collection of short stories, click below.

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Glue that Binds

I've seen a great deal more relationships than I could ever count.  We all have, really.  Whether it be the beginning of a relationship where a couple holds hands across the table or does that overly annoying sitting on the same side of the booth nonsense or it being the couple that has clearly been together for so long that they don't even care to make eye contact while they eat.

What, then, can make two people stay together?

I've put quite a lot of thought process into this question and I've boiled it down to two very distinct things - dependency and connection.  They aren't mutually exclusive, and most of the time a couple doesn't need but one.

As an example, I've seen relationships that the two fight incessantly, have no positive communication skills at all, don't even share the same interests, yet they stay together.  I've been close to couples like this, close enough to hear both sides of their stories and gotten quite a good feel as to why each one stays.  From this, the central point is that they depend on one another.  Sometimes that dependency comes from emotional security - knowing someone will be there.  Other times it comes from financial dependency - life is expensive for a huge portion of people.

Obviously this comes with an inherent grouping of problems.

The connection side of things, those long conversations about nothing and everything all at once.  The little experiences, like that hole in the wall restaurant, becoming some grand story symbolic of the love for one another, and all of those other small details that grow into massive lumps of butterflies in the stomach form into the connection we all crave.

That one sounds like the obvious winner of the competition of gluing, but is it?

Now, let me dive into exploring the consequences of each.

In the dependency corner, it can give one person more of an edge than the other - especially if one person is dependent on the other for tangibles.  The person in control of the commodities will gravitate towards feeling as though they are the more important role in the relationship, naturally.  It then becomes increasingly important for that person to become aware that they are choosing to stay in the relationship for a reason - they, too, are dependent on that other person.

Exploring the emotional dependency, then, we find that it becomes much the same power struggle.  For simplicity's sake, let's say a female becomes emotionally dependent on a male.  The male, at this point, can use that power to degrade the self esteem of the other person, to the point that it then becomes a feeling that they not only want the emotional support but feel they can't get it elsewhere, either.

The connection corner comes it with some pretty severe consequences as well.  For one, it can become quite addictive, yet when that entry level connection wears off and the day to day life starts reducing those hole in the wall restaurants to a simple meal it becomes easy to translate that to losing interest in the other person.

There is also the downside of, if the relationship ends, having to go back to those places and remembering the events that transpired - I still can't go to one of the coffee shops I used to frequent without being reminded of that fireplace lit conversation, just the two of us sitting there and the owner dimming the lights, making it look closed for all but us.

Anyway, communication is the real problem solver here.  It is equally important for all parties to know why the two of you (or three, or four, or more in some cases) stay together.  Not always will someone like to hear it.  It will always open the door to real conversation about things, though.

-Dustin S. Stover

Space and Distance

We all know those couples.  Those couples we see out and about, holding hands constantly, giving one another those super awkward glances of lovey dovey butterflies in your stomach that are sure to fade away within a month or two.

And like those puppy love induced romantics, we all know the couples who sit at a table together not even making eye contact.  The two have grown so stale with one another that not even the hand of God could swoop down and push them together.

I like to imagine they are all the same.  That old couple got its start being lovey dovey and vomit inducing romantics, but then I have to dream up a story that gets them to the point of misery and intolerance.

Usually the stories go something like this - the two smother one another until one has had enough.  The other keeps pressing to smother the other which makes the first start resenting the other.  Before you know it, ten years have past but they are totally dependent upon one another.

So what, then, could help this situation?  I believe space would be a good place to start.  Instead of two people smothering one another, why not give enough space to let the other person figure out the real you... or you figure out the real them?  Hurling one's self directly into the eye of the storm will never give an accurate portrayal of the other.

This, of course, should obviously be regarded as a delicate tight rope walk.  How much space is enough?  How much is too much?  This, of course, has the obvious answer of there being no definite answer.  Every person is different and needs drastically different things.

For example, I would be on one extreme of the spectrum - needing a lot of space.  Someone smothering me will get locked out of my life faster than they could say, "hey, what do you want to do for dinner?"

In fact, that is why a few of my relationships haven't worked out so well.  Go figure.

This will also change with time - people always need some space, even if they've been with someone for decades.  Maybe a week long fishing trip with the friends where the significant other isn't invited.  Maybe a spa trip.  Maybe just a nice long drive.

I think that having space is important for a multitude of reasons.  For starters, it allows two people to start missing one another.  I don't mean missing in the sense of them being lost, I mean it as a sense of missing the things they do - maybe the way they laugh, maybe the way they sign their name, maybe the way they make your favorite meal, it really doesn't matter what it is so long as it matters.

It also gives an individual the ability to process.  Maybe there was an argument that happened a month ago that had been laying dormant in your mind and it gives adequate time to delve into it, find out why it bothers you, and more importantly, understand their perspective.

Plus, it is just good to spend some time away to refresh.  A lover should never feel like a burden, but it is impossible to be around someone constantly without feeling a loss of individuality.  Refreshing the center of self can be empowering.

So then how much distance should there be in that space?  Well, again, that is a person to person basis.  Maybe it is just being in the garage while the other is inside.  Maybe it is going on a month long trip to Canada.  Maybe it is a six month hike through the Appalachian Trail.  Alright, that last one is probably pretty extreme and may end in divorce.  Use with caution (or take them with you.  That could be quite a fun experience!)

Any way you look at it, space and distance should be accounted for in every healthy relationship.  It could also say something pretty important about your relationship if you never feel satisfied with the lack of enough space.

-Dustin S. Stover

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Bones in the Alleyway

There is something so peaceful as one gazes back in time.  Sure, emotions arise from the past events.  Sure the nasty things we went through pop into those memory lanes, but it is peaceful.

When I stare down those dark and abandoned alleyways, littered with the remains of past lives, lovers, and those who got in the way, I know that I've cleared a path all my own and on my own.  The accomplishment is mine.

The trick is, of course, to not stare for too long.  The peacefulness wears off when bones start being picked up.  It is hard to sit in the comfy chair while crying over the spilled milk of yesteryears.

The watch on my wrist doesn't stop moving, either.  Today may be a bad enough day that recalling the turmoil of the past makes me feel better, more accomplished, and like I'm moving forward in life, but tomorrow may be missed entirely.

So I'll massage my own feet before sleep tonight.  They'll be ready for a thousand steps tomorrow.  Who knows, maybe the following day will have me seeing these bones.

-Dustin S. Stover
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Those Wretched, Long Toenails

Every time I clip my toenails there is an unbearable screech that can be heard for miles around. It is a tremendous force that shakes me to my core. It does not, however, come from me. Nor does it come from my toenails – which, arguably, could be consider a part of me that I've cut off. Regardless, the screech is incredibly painful.

Yet, what is a person to do? Don't cut the toenail and they grow to such a long length that feet become painful, or they can curl around and make walking unpleasant.

There is something so pleasant about ridding myself of those pesky hard shells. There is, perhaps, a reminder that things change in a rather nonchalant and unnoticed way. We don't feel the nails growing. There isn't any real problem with them until they've grown too long, but then there is a real problem with them.

That screech, though. That bloody fucking screech. It feels like it will never end even though it lasts for seconds. The screech is so loud that it is deafening, painful, and borderline killer.

There is something about it that I miss once I stop clipping those damn things, though. Maybe it is that the sounds feel like home. I'd like the say it is the action itself but I know that isn't true. I find it rather dull, to be completely honest.

Maybe it is that satisfaction I feel after the screeches stop.

Actually, I'm sure that is what it is. There is a feeling of accomplishment every time that wretched sound is cleansed from my ears. It is like I've had some grand successful mission, a huge accomplishment that only a minor amount of people have been able to complete.

Truthfully, though, it just feels like letting go of the past.

Honesty and Why It Is Better to be So

Why do people lie?  There are times, sure, in which the person doesn't get caught, but what benefit does it really have to lie?

Humanity has a strong tendency to try hiding things from others by lying about it.  Hell, everyone does it.  It is pretty well ingrained into ourselves from the time we're born - whether it be to put on a facade of Santa Claus for children, giving money for lost teeth under the name of the tooth fairy, to the stories our parents read to us, all the way to our parents lying to us when explaining why mommy and daddy are yelling at one another (or any other subsequent event that would have a negative impact on perception of mommy and daddy together).

This, of course, never ends well.  A child learns that Santa isn't real, or the tooth fairy, and dreams get shattered with lighting speed.  We discover that, hey, our parents have some pretty serious arguments and, upon reaching that first major argument we have with our significant others, we realize they, too, are just human.

Essentially, being a teenager and early adult ends up being the harsh reality that we've been lied to our entire lives, but since it is all we know then how do we escape it?  Of course, this is where I interject and say, "understanding is the first step in the journey to resolve."

That isn't what this blog post is about, though.  This post is to point out some pretty major flaws in lying and how it impacts all those around.

This brings me to the act of lying.  Let's say, as a completely hypothetical, someone has made actions they are none-too-proud of - like eating a cake when they are claiming to be on a diet or cheating on their significant other.  Well, it is easy to understand why they wouldn't want to fess up to the action.  A whole fucking cake?  That's insane.

But then, you ate the cake.  Someone, somewhere is going to be wondering what happened to that box of cake mix.  What do you say?  Well, you don't want them to know so you say you threw the box out so you wouldn't be tempted.  Your significant other, the one you're lying to, believes you.  Cool, you've succeeded in eating that giant fucking cake.

But wait - the day after you ate the cake, and before you turned the dishwasher on to clean those dirty dishes, a friend was over and put their wine glass into the dish washer.  What did they see?  They saw that glass cake pan with the remnants of a cake on it.

Now, weeks, maybe months later that friend is over, hanging out with you and your significant other and something is brought up about cake.  That guilty conscience of yours is suddenly kicked into overdrive and, bam, you have to announce once again that you haven't ate any cake in 6 months or better.  The problem is,of course, no one brought up your lack of cake eating.  The friend, remembering in that very point in time, perhaps mentions the cake pan they saw that fateful day.  Maybe they don't, though.

It should be noted now that if they don't mention that cake pan then the situation is far worse.

If they mention the cake pan then suddenly you have to make up a new lie.  Perhaps, oh, you made a cake for a coworker but it wasn't the same cake mix - it was a cake mix you went out to buy after you threw the other one away.  Maybe you make up a lie about how it wasn't icing plastered on the side of the cake pan, it was something that resembled it.  Maybe you deflect and blame it on your significant other.

Anything that happens, however, everyone in the room is now noticing something even if they don't realize it.  They are noticing that you're acting off.  You're acting as though you're in on a secret that you're trying to convince everyone else that it isn't a secret.

Let me take a step back.  Let's assume that the friend doesn't say anything about the said cake pan and let me explain why the not mentioning it is the worse of the options.  If the friend doesn't bring up the cake pan they very obviously saw in your dishwasher, well, that means, quite simply, they have lost trust in you to tell the truth and simply have no desire to hear any more of your lies.

Now, back to the scenario of it being brought up - perhaps you get away with it.  The cake pan is dropped and no one has caught the fact that you just lied.  The problem is that they now noticed your actions being odd.  Maybe it didn't register, but from that point forth, every time your actions resemble those actions it will be related back to you acting funny.  Eventually, and this is an obvious one at this point, it is all going to link together - provided you stay in the people's lives long enough.  That eventual event is going to cause them to think about all those times - well, maybe not all, but enough.  Now is when your significant other loses trust in you.

Of course, how can your significant other talk to you about it?  You lied about eating a whole fucking cake, for fuck's sake.  Confronting you about it is obviously just going to lead to more lies and even if you come clean at this point, well, how would anyone know if you're omitting more of the truth?  Saying that you only ate part of the cake is a lie when you know you ate the whole thing.

Now, typically the people outside of the situation, but around it enough to witness it regularly, will catch on far sooner than your significant other.  They don't have the same kind of emotional ties.  Understandable, but then who do you have to turn to when your significant other leaves you?  None of your friends trust you, and if they do then they are probably just as untrustworthy as you are.

And there is the real shame in lying.  It isn't getting caught.  It isn't the fact that the whole cake is gone and you ate it all.  The shame comes when you realize just how alone you are and the only person you have to blame is yourself.  Eat the cake, just don't hide the fact that you did it.  Let those around you judge you or not judge you accordingly.  You'll find that those who accept the fact that you ate the cake make you feel far less alone in the world than those who just believe that you never ate the fucking thing in the first place.

-Dustin S. Stover

For my collection of short stories, find the digital copy below:
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Perplexing Complications of Finances and Relationships

Finances are claimed to be one of the biggest reasons for arguments in relationships, and with little wonder.  Either there isn't enough of it and the couple is stressing to pay for things or do extra things, perhaps one person makes significantly more than the other and thus a power struggle is formed, or perhaps splurge spending is to blame for the argument.

Now I'm going to extend my arms in an effort to form a hypothesis correlating the current state of the economy, along with how it has been for my entire adult life, and the increase in the rate of divorce.

First, and I'm aware at how unpopular this opinion is in the masses of this country (USA), but I don't believe anyone who works full time should be suffering financially so bad that they are forced to eat Ramen Noodles for dinner just to keep their bills paid - I actually believe that a first world country should feed into a healthy living for all who contribute to the work force, regardless of their job.  Save your arguments on that topic for another day.

Now, having said that, if a couple makes decent enough money to sustain an actual life together, affording to take vacations together or do activities together, I believe that the divorce rate would significantly drop.  Perhaps it isn't the money itself that is the problem, but rather it is the inability to share in activities that encourage personal and relationship growth.

I know I've said in the past that experiences can be taken in drastically different ways between two people who share in said experience but not having any experiences will dull the relationship even more quickly.  At least the memories are building when experiences are shared as opposed to watching television, which is to say, watching other people do things.  Arguably, a good television show is an experience, but does a television show compare to a month long road trip across ten state lines?  Does it really compare to seeing the depth of the Grand Canyon first hand?  Does it really compare to people watching in Paris?

I don't believe it does.  There is one thing that all of these experiences have in common - they all require money.  Even something as minor as driving 15 hours for a vacation can add up to a thousand dollars or more once you include hotel stay, gas or airplane tickets, and food.  Especially if you want to make it a worthwhile trip and stay for a week.  That doesn't include souvenirs you may want to purchase.

The sad truth of the matter is that I know more people that struggle to come up with that thousands of dollars than otherwise, people who aren't necessarily bad with their money just people who don't have the money to be bad with.  It isn't from a lack of work, either.  They work their asses off.

To relate it back to the relationship aspect - arguments are formed because the couple never do anything together.  There are only going to be so many times a couple can visit the same "favorite" restaurant before it no longer offers a special feeling, only so many times that quick trip to the movies for some alone time is realized to be a lack of connection.  Still, those things cost money and I've seen hard working couples struggle to afford tickets to see a movie or to go to that nice restaurant once every six months.

Then comes the logical answer - they need to find better jobs.  The problem with this is, and we all know how this turns out, how stressful is it searching for a new job?  Is the new job going to be worse than the old one?  How about the pay?  How about the hours?  How about that one really shitty employee that you get stuck with every single fucking time you are forced to work alongside someone else?  And who gets all those stresses taken out on?

Yeah, that's right, the significant other.

No one works because they want to work, regardless of what they tell themselves.  Everyone works so they can support hobbies and experiences.  When a couple can't afford hobbies and experiences, how can a relationship survive?

I'm not at all an economics professional, but I believe that if money weren't such a major issue then we would see relationships - and marriages, especially - stand together for a significantly longer time.

-Dustin S. Stover

Purchase my collection of short stories in the links below.
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Toxicity in Relationships

It is so easy to ignore the toxic behaviors of a person you love, or believe to love, while in a relationship with them, and the way that toxic behaviors exist can be as wide ranging as there are the amount of people in the world.  I will outline some of the behaviors I find most unsettling in this blog.

First, lies.  Lies can come in so many different flavors and just about everyone is guilty of shifting the truth in some fashion or another, but severe lying - compulsive, even - is something drastically different.  If you catch your lover in lies and they deny those lies, or find ways to circle around their lies to confuse and defer blame of those lies then there is something seriously unhealthy going on.

This is one of those things that doesn't even have to be direct, either.  Just the fact that your lover lies in general means that it is only a matter of time before your trust in this person dissipates into oblivion.

Passive aggressive comments are another big sign of an unhealthy relationship, especially if they are done in such a fashion that makes it seem like a joke in public.  Let's just take out the possibility of it being meant seriously, that means your lover is utilizing you as the butt of their joke.  That instantly puts on display a lack of respect for you.  Now, obviously, comes the fact that there is meaning behind it as otherwise it wouldn't be said.

Passive aggressive comments belittle the recipient to such a degree that the effects aren't directly known.  Their emotional and mental well being just consistently shrinks over time, the more they hear these comments, so that where they may have initially thought, "this is a harmless joke," they no longer laugh.

Then there is controlling behavior.  If your lover tries to dominate what you do, how you do things, or expects severe double standards out of the relationship - especially if they have far more freedom than you do - then there is a very degrading situation brewing.

It isn't fair to anyone in a relationship to be looked at as less of a person inside the relationship, and it most certainly isn't conducive to allowing the person to grow into a better person.

Analyzing these traits, at least in my mind, leads me to believe they are all inherently connected by a single personality trait - insecurity.

Why would someone lie so consistently, and then try to wrap their denial around in so many paths that it is impossible to follow?  Because they are insecure with themselves and look for a means to feel better about their actions.

Why would someone make such passive aggressive comments?  Because they don't know how to effectively portray what they feel in a constructive, healthy, and respectful fashion - and why wouldn't they know how to do that?  Because they are insecure about their feelings.

Why would someone be so controlling?  Because they feel that if they don't control the person then they will lose the person - again, insecurity.

Now, what is the most basic reason for insecurity?  What is the root of why a person is so insecure?  Where does it stem from, insecurity?

You tell me what you think the answer may be.

-Dustin S. Stover

For my collection of short stories, click below:
Kindle:  Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook:  Happiness in a Void of Darkness

What Should We Focus on for Love?

As an individual, we're all lonely. We all seek out these deeply profound connections to other living beings in an effort to fill this gaping hole that can only exist in our minds. We pass people on the road, we pass people walking through the mall or store, we stand behind people in line at the restaurant, and yet we always have this longing for something more.

In theory, every lover should start as a friend but we all know that rarely happens. Boy sees girl, boy asks girl out on a date, then another date if the first goes well, and it is all with the intention of getting to a point of togetherness that extends well beyond a mere friendship and it all bases itself purely in a sense that the two people's attraction to one another was, essentially, enough to judge how lasting a relationship might be. (This is obviously a generalization and strictly being utilized to make a point – situations may vary.)

That is, primarily, a perfect depiction as to how desperate humanity is to fill the space next to the individual.

Even in situations where the two people desire a slower pace to get to know one another, that physical attraction can be alarmingly hard to deny, which can, in turn, spiral the entire process of getting to know another out of control. Before the two know it, a type of dependent relationship has been formed and the two individuals may not even be able to tolerate one another.

And still, it is just to occupy the innate emotion of loneliness – filling an imaginary gap in one's life. Looking at the dating world from this perspective, it is no wonder why so many marriages end in divorce, but how can we prevent it? Is it just the way humans are wired emotionally, latching onto narrow threads of emotional hope in an effort to justify time spent?

The opposite side of the spectrum isn't really any better - the non-committal side of the equation, casual and meaningless everything with casual encounters.  Sometimes they're lined up through the shady, back ended areas of the internet like Craigslist Personals and other times finding the one at the bar who is at just the right level of intoxication to drop their inhibitions for a night of adult fun, only to wake the next day and wonder why they made the choice to not use a rubber with someone they can barely remember the name of – was it Jamie or Jenny?

Both sides of this equation are trying to solve the same problem, despite their deeply different means of going about doing so, and yet both fail miserably. Why is this?

The answer is quite simple – no one ever really gets to know the other person before developing emotions. Better yet, how many people truly know themselves well enough to concern themselves with who someone else is? I get it, it is hard working full time, paying bills, trying to socialize with people you tolerate and sometimes enjoy, making dinner, cleaning the house, trying to find a hobby that gives you a reason to wake up the following day and do it all over again, and trying to find a love interest. It leaves little room to do the, perhaps, hardest things in the world – analyze yourself enough to fully understand who you are.

I'm not talking about the, “I know who I am because I enjoy the job I do and I have kids to take care of,” knowing, either. I'm talking about the kind of knowing in which there is full understanding of how you'd react in a situation never encountered before due to being able to visualize the emotions it would provoke inside. I'm talking about having such a deep understanding of yourself that you can sit in a room alone and think about where the emotions you are encumbered by stem from, and have the ability to work your way through it all to readily accept things as they truly are – not sugar coating them in a way that makes you feel better about them. I'm talking about the ability to call yourself out on how much of a bullshitter you truly are, not cover up lies with more lies because those lies you've told yourself to hide from the truth prevent you from seeing where the truth even began at.

There are few things in this world more painful than someone else seeing you for your true self when you can't. How much lonelier does it get to lie next to someone who sees your strengths and weaknesses when you've made up strengths to hide the fact that you have weaknesses? And really, who wants to be with someone who refuses to grow beyond where they are at in that stage of their life?

I firmly believe that the central point of every healthy relationship revolves around that one simple thing – knowing yourself, both people (or in some cases, three or four people – I'm not here to judge) involved in the relationship knowing themselves. If you can't maintain a realistic perspective of yourself then how can you have a realistic perspective of someone else, and if you can't have a realistic perspective of the person (or people) you're with then how can you ever hope to have a healthy relationship?

Anyway, let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

-Dustin S. Stover

For short stories written by me, follow the links below.

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness