As an individual, we're all lonely. We
all seek out these deeply profound connections to other living beings
in an effort to fill this gaping hole that can only exist in our
minds. We pass people on the road, we pass people walking through
the mall or store, we stand behind people in line at the restaurant,
and yet we always have this longing for something more.
In theory, every lover should start as
a friend but we all know that rarely happens. Boy sees girl, boy
asks girl out on a date, then another date if the first goes well,
and it is all with the intention of getting to a point of
togetherness that extends well beyond a mere friendship and it all
bases itself purely in a sense that the two people's attraction to
one another was, essentially, enough to judge how lasting a
relationship might be. (This is obviously a generalization and
strictly being utilized to make a point – situations may vary.)
That is, primarily, a perfect depiction
as to how desperate humanity is to fill the space next to the
individual.
Even in situations where the two people
desire a slower pace to get to know one another, that physical
attraction can be alarmingly hard to deny, which can, in turn, spiral
the entire process of getting to know another out of control. Before
the two know it, a type of dependent relationship has been formed and
the two individuals may not even be able to tolerate one another.
And still, it is just to occupy the
innate emotion of loneliness – filling an imaginary gap in one's
life. Looking at the dating world from this perspective, it is no
wonder why so many marriages end in divorce, but how can we prevent
it? Is it just the way humans are wired emotionally, latching onto
narrow threads of emotional hope in an effort to justify time spent?
The opposite side of the spectrum isn't
really any better - the non-committal side of the equation, casual
and meaningless everything with casual encounters. Sometimes they're lined
up through the shady, back ended areas of the internet like
Craigslist Personals and other times finding the one at the bar who
is at just the right level of intoxication to drop their inhibitions
for a night of adult fun, only to wake the next day and wonder why
they made the choice to not use a rubber with someone they can barely
remember the name of – was it Jamie or Jenny?
Both sides of this equation are trying
to solve the same problem, despite their deeply different means of
going about doing so, and yet both fail miserably. Why is this?
The answer is quite simple – no one
ever really gets to know the other person before developing emotions.
Better yet, how many people truly know themselves well enough to
concern themselves with who someone else is? I get it, it is hard
working full time, paying bills, trying to socialize with people you
tolerate and sometimes enjoy, making dinner, cleaning the house, trying to find a hobby that gives you a reason
to wake up the following day and do it all over again, and trying to find a love interest. It leaves
little room to do the, perhaps, hardest things in the world –
analyze yourself enough to fully understand who you are.
I'm not talking about the, “I know
who I am because I enjoy the job I do and I have kids to take care
of,” knowing, either. I'm talking about the kind of knowing in
which there is full understanding of how you'd react in a situation
never encountered before due to being able to visualize the emotions
it would provoke inside. I'm talking about having such a deep
understanding of yourself that you can sit in a room alone and think
about where the emotions you are encumbered by stem from, and have
the ability to work your way through it all to readily accept things
as they truly are – not sugar coating them in a way that makes you
feel better about them. I'm talking about the ability to call
yourself out on how much of a bullshitter you truly are, not cover up
lies with more lies because those lies you've told yourself to hide from the truth prevent you from seeing where the truth even began at.
There are few things in this world more
painful than someone else seeing you for your true self when you
can't. How much lonelier does it get to lie next to someone who sees
your strengths and weaknesses when you've made up strengths to hide
the fact that you have weaknesses? And really, who wants to be with
someone who refuses to grow beyond where they are at in that stage of
their life?
I firmly believe that the central point
of every healthy relationship revolves around that one simple thing –
knowing yourself, both people (or in some cases, three or four people
– I'm not here to judge) involved in the relationship knowing
themselves. If you can't maintain a realistic perspective of
yourself then how can you have a realistic perspective of someone
else, and if you can't have a realistic perspective of the person (or
people) you're with then how can you ever hope to have a healthy
relationship?
Anyway, let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
-Dustin S. Stover
For short stories written by me, follow the links below.
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
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