Definitely not a Story of Love

He looked at her while she didn't even so much as give a glance.  Every day was the same story.  He had this misguided belief that if she would just look at him then he had a chance with her, but we all know that a look is just a look with little to no meaning more than that.

Still, his gaze didn't falter. 

He watched as she spoke to many other people, usually in a sarcastic manner to ensure everyone around her knew of her place in the societal hierarchy.  She knew she was better.  That just made him desire her even more.

There is always that point in time when a person comes face to face with what they believe they want only to discover just how wrong it is for them.  This story isn't about that, though it will definitely feel as though it falls along that line.

Our lonely hero decides one day that he will force her acknowledgment.  He bumps into her causing quite an awkward moment. 

"Why the fuck did you bump into me, asshole?"  Her voice is shrill and condescending.

"It was an accident."

"You gross mother fucker, just leave me alone." 

And just like that, our lonely hero felt completely crushed.  Their eyes met, at long last, and only for her to shut all his desires down.

Of course, that was a few decades ago.  Our lonely hero has had many failures within those fateful years - all of which contained fruitful nuggets of information he learned from.  His memory of youth was little more than memories of many mistakes, the likes of which he would never want to repeat.

Our antagonist, on the other hand, made but one mistake.  One mistake that she has had to live with ever since - marrying the first person who treated her like the condescending bitch she was and letting him make her into his submissive housewife, a mother to his obnoxious and bratty children.  Her memory of youth was full of fond memories, memories of dominance and being wildly desirable. 

Our lonely hero rarely ever thought about women who rejected him, especially the one who called him a gross mother fucker.  Meanwhile, she longed for someone to idolize her the way he did back in those long since passed days.

She knew he stared at her.  She knew him running into her was an attempt to gain her attention.  That just made her even more fierce, thinking that was the way to ensure he kept going the way he had for so long.

That didn't work, though.  The last day he ever looked at her with longing eyes was the day our lonely hero performed his little stunt for attention.  It was also the day, he would never find out, that she met the man that would transform her from the fierce bitch into the docile puppy.

The hero of this story learned, in no short part from his experience here, that the amount of effort one puts into winning someone over does not equal the amount of love a couple has for one another.  The antagonist learned what it was like to put forth all the effort and never learned that equality was far more a sign of love than effort.

The two would go on with their lives, never to meet again.  He traveled throughout the world, finding meaning in every little thing he did.  She stayed in their hometown convincing herself that her life had meaning.

-Dustin S. Stover

Happiness in a Void of Darkness is my collection of short stories and can be purchased at either of the links below.
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Iron and Ink

Isolated iron is always cold.  Always.  Even on the hottest of summer days, heat radiating off the harsh metal, the sight of iron fills one's self with a cold darkness that captivates the imagination of some and fills another with desolate despair.

That was what filled his mind as he felt that painful heat through his work gloves, handling the huge iron beam thirty some odd stories above Earth's surface.

The pen always held such a warm and passionate feeling pinched between the fingers.  A universe of knowledge, passion, longing, lust, despair, and sadness she thought as she tried to push the keys on her laptop down in rhythmic fashion.

She couldn't find the words or passion or even a glimpse of that universe she longed for.

The philosopher in both of them begins to question why they are doing anything they do.  The reasonable voice knows they'll die if they don't - or at least be forced to find a new way to survive.

He takes the long drink of ice water, symbolic of the end of another torturous day of ten hours worth of heat - he had to sign on for that overtime pay.

The pay was great.  The pay is great.  The week is almost over and the pay is great - the chant repeated in his mind.

She held in her hand, between her fingertips, that old Montblanc pen she bought herself after her first big story broke.  She hadn't used it for years but believed it was the key to her next big ticket.  Of course, the doodles on her page didn't translate to her next big paycheck.

Before arriving home, he stops at a local liquor store to buy the beer that will get him drunk the fastest and for the least amount of money.  A necessity, he thinks, if he is to endure such coldness again tomorrow.

He rolls a joint before leaving the parking lot - this to prepare himself for all the commands of his wife once home.  He takes the first hit not long after he leaves the parking lot.  The first of many.

A page full of doodles lay upon the page as she brushes her teeth in an attempt to hide the smell of cigarettes.  Frantically, she sprays perfume and flushes the toilet to dispose of the butt.  A deep breathe fills the empty space and a tug to straighten her shirt sets her in motion to start dinner.

She peers down into the empty sink and realizes she forgot to lay out the meat for dinner.  Knowing it is too late to thaw now, she hits the number three on speed dial for takeout Chinese.  A distinctly American voice answers and she realizes her mistake - Chinese was four, three was the stress relief she was trying to give up.

He arrives home significantly more stoned that he wanted to be.  Trying desperately hard to hide it from his wife, he yells his hell while walking directly to the shower.

The shower loses him for far too long and his wife opens the door with hushed anxiety.  "Are you drunk or high?"

"Both," he answers while his wife shuts the door without a word more.

She springs to life when the door rings - perfect timing, she thinks as she ponders where she wants her story to go next.

He gets out of the shower and sees a notepad open upon the table, full of drawings and no words, next to a bag of Chinese food.  She is in the garage speed dialing number three.

-Dustin S. Stover

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Just Another Day at the Office

Susan, like always, beat me to the office.  It never seems to bother her that she beats the boss every day.  She deserves a raise.

I settle down in my chair after grabbing my cup of coffee from the break room, of course started by Susan as soon as she got in, and just enjoy the aroma.  Then, it happens, the real start of my day.

"..That's when I found out she had been cheating on me.  It was with an old coworker.  Apparently they had been... screwing.. God, just thinking about it makes me want to vomit... they had been doing it since I worked with him.  That was twelve years ago.  Twelve years of the two of them fucking... The two of them doing it behind my back... like... how did I not know?  How?  Just... I don't know how I was so stupid...."

"Before I got busted with all that coke, I mean, I was on my way up to being a big time executive.  Who gives a fuck if I was snorting coke like it was candy.  I mean, who gives a fuck?  I was fucking productive, man.  I tell you, I could work circles around every other fucking clown in that office, but no... no, I get fired.  I get fired because they found some white powder in my office.  Fuck them, man.  Fuck them in their assholes."

"I don't really know how to say it... I mean, I know he and I had an agreement.  I know we were supposed to do it together, but... I just couldn't... and I just... watched.  I didn't know what else to do.  I just watched, and cried.  I don't know what is worse, that it was the first time I saw a boy touch himself and it brought me to tears or if it seemed to make him more excited... Am I always going to cry when I see a guy touch themselves?  Do you think I'm a lesbian?"

I go into the break room for a refill on my cup of coffee, but I notice the back door is propped open by a little block of wood.  I walk to the door, open it, and find Susan taking a puff of a cigarette.

"Mind if I take a drag of that, Susie?"

"I didn't know you smoked."

"Yeah... You're right.  I guess today wouldn't be a good day to start, either."  I used my foot to put the block of wood back against the door frame before gently resting the door against it.

"My wife tells me I just make bad choices.  I mean, no fucking way, right?  It isn't my fault if I blow ten grand at the poker table. I mean, fuck, I could be on a winning streak and then, bam, wrong bet.  Shit, that's all down to luck.  It isn't a bad choice, it just means my lucky day hasn't struck yet."

"He touched me in my private parts.  That's what mommy told me to tell the police officer.  That's what I told the police officer."

"I blame it all on my mom.  She is the one who didn't teach me how hard life would be.  She let me have my favorite blankie in bed with me until I was 12!  It is her fault!  It is all her fault!"

"...I don't really know how to come to terms with it.  Every time I close my eyes, I see his hands wrapped so tightly around my wrists that my hands are going numb.  I can see outside my body, and I see my mouth screaming, but no sound is coming out.  I see his grin as he... I just..."

"Look, doc.  Are you a Doctor?  Did you earn that PhD?  Look, I don't belong here.  I don't have a problem.  It is just the fucking courts.  They ordered this shit.  If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be sitting here right now."

"I just pray every day and hope things get better, but nothing is changing.  My prayers just aren't getting answered, but maybe that just means that God's plan for me is to suffer like this.  Maybe God just wants me to suffer for all the sins I've committed in the past.  Maybe that is why he isn't answering my prayers."

"I bet you just doodle all day long in that notebook of yours.  Seeing patients day in and day out, have that little notepad out pretending to be jotting down bullshit about your patients."

As they say this, I am just doodling.  It is the fifteenth time this patient has been in here and it is the fifteenth hour he has spent accusing me of doodling in my notebook.  It is now the eighth time I've actually doodled in my notebook.

"I... I know I am so quiet.... my wife tells me all the time that I need to talk to her, just talk... but... I don't even like to order food at the fast food drive through.  She says that our sex life is boring and she wants to spice things up by wearing sexy lingerie.  I don't know how to tell her that I want to be the one wearing it...."

"Well, that ends our session.  If you see Susan at the.."

"Yeah, yeah.  I fucking know.  Susan.  Front counter.  Next appointment."

I close my notebook.

"Have a good day."

I pour out the remaining bit of coffee into the break room's sink, watch the black liquid form a small puddle near the drain, refusing to join the rest, and then twist the knob to force the water to wash the puddle away.

Just another day at the office.





Written by Dustin S. Stover

Displaying Love Accordingly

How does a couple overcome differences in showing love?

For the sake of saving time, I won't go into detail about the languages of love - for more research in the area do a quick google search of the five languages of love.  It is pretty self explanatory.

So what happens when the two people in a relationship have different languages they speak?  First, of course, is that if you display love by giving gifts and your spouse needs physical touch as their form of love then the spouse may well not ever feel that you don't display that you love them.  It could even push the loved one so far as to feel unloved.

The easiest way to bridge this gap is to, of course, listen - the most vital part of a relationship is communication, the two way communication - but listening isn't enough as it also requires action to change the way you display your love.

This brings about an important question - why shouldn't the loved one change the way they feel loved.  After all, if you're buying gifts for them then it is their responsibility to understand that is how you show you love them.

But, by default, love is to appreciate the other person as much as, or more, than yourself.  Therefore, in order to show that kind of respect and appreciation it is the one displaying the love's responsibility to ensure that the loved one feels loved.

Of course this goes deep because sometimes it is so against our nature.  Maybe you struggle being physical and that is the way your loved one desires to be shown love.  Maybe you can't afford that beautiful necklace, but that is what she wants.

As with all things worth doing, they are worth putting in an effort for.  A lot of this - financial situations aside - just requires thought and consideration before making an action.  Ask yourself before making the action, "what would my loved one want?"  "would they prefer this fancy meal or would they rather take a long walk holding hands under the stars?"

This obviously has to work on a two way street, as well.  What good is a relationship where only one person is displaying the love?

-Dustin S. Stover

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook:   Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Being Afraid of Love

Love is arguably one of the most dangerous things a person can do.  True love, that is to truly say that another person is equal or more valuable than yourself and to value your time with that person more than anything else.  To feel as though no amount of time is going to be enough time with that person.

So naturally, there are people who fear that kind of feeling.  They may not ever know that feeling for whatever reason - which, I used to believe that everyone knew this feeling at least once in their life but have recently met an individual who seems to have never grasped that emotion.  It has piqued my interest as I've begun to try to understand why.

See, most people fall in love when they are young, before they ever know who they are or what they want out of a partner.  This leads to the obvious inevitability of forcing a relationship to work, or making more sacrifices and compromises than would ever truly be healthy, or to the ending of a relationship and the forcing of self discovery.

To never fall in love, though.  How does one slip through that grasp?

The best answer I can come up with is the inability to love.  There are several reasons behind this, though.

Let us start off with the superficial reasoning - abuse of substances.  Without going into the various theories of why people become addicted to substances I will simply say that when someone abuses substances it blocks their ability to care for other people in any substantial way.  It is like wearing a mask to hide from all the real emotions one might feel if that mask is removed.

As I'm thinking about people who abuse substances I am also confronted with a correlation - those with the second reasoning, at least those in which I have personal experiences with, also suffer from substance abuse.

Which leads me into the second reason - selfishness.  People who focus in on themselves as the only thing, or major thing, that matters cannot possibly see an equality of value in someone else.

This naturally leads into more questions - questions that I will explore at a later point in time.

For now, feel free to share your experiences of someone being incapable of loving, whether it be you or someone you know.

-Dustin S. Stover

If you enjoy my writing and would like to see me continue doing so, please click the ad on my page or purchase my short stories linked below.

Kindle Version: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
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Compromise

I've been told my countless people, and even believed myself, that compromise was the most necessary part of a relationship - well, that and communication.  What if, however, that is wrong?

I am going to step away from relationships and go to work for a moment.  We all work and we all do things in our job that compromise our work, whether it be wearing personal protective equipment that we find to be unnecessary and make our jobs variably more difficult or if it is forcing us to work a schedule that conflicts with our natural sleep cycle.  We can all relate to that feeling of compromise for a paycheck.

The problem with compromising for a paycheck is that it almost exclusively leads to resentment for the work we do.  Maybe you love everything about your job other than that one person you have to work with every Wednesday - you're going to hate going into work every Wednesday.

How does this relate back to relationships?  Well, it is quite simple.  In order for the vast majority of us to alleviate that feeling of loneliness by being with someone else, we must compromise.  Sometimes it is something minor like not going to that one restaurant you love because your spouse hates it.  Maybe it is something more major like being forced to give up your favorite hobby.  Anyway you look at this, it has a similar affect as those compromises for a paycheck.

In order for us to get laid we have to compromise with the one we love, but is that really the best solution?

One day is going to come when you're, again, going to that horrible Chinese restaurant - you hate Chinese in this case - to please your spouse once again and all you can think is, "why the fuck am I always giving up going to that Italian restaurant so they can have their Chinese.  I mean, I'm going to have the shits tomorrow and the worst that will happen to them at the Italian restaurant is they dislike their food as much as I'm going to dislike mine tonight.  How can they not see my sacrifice?"

An easy remedy for this goes back to something I touched upon at the beginning of this blog - communication.  Talk it out and hopefully a resolution can be had, but what if it can't?  For this mental exercise we will assume talking has already happened and nothing has changed.

See, at this point every reader is thinking, "I KNOW!  RIGHT!  I HATE that Chinese place!"  Or just pretend you're saying that.

By the time the dinner is over, even if you don't notice it, your mood towards your loved one has grown more distant.  Hardly the healthy outcome.  Maybe it is such a small disconnect that you two still go home and practice your sexual fantasies on one another, or maybe when they roll over and try to put you in the mood - possibly even as a thank you for appreciating them for that horrendous Chinese food - you simply can't partake.  "Not tonight, honey.  I've got a headache," you'll say before rolling over and focusing on just how much you hate Chinese food as your stomach is growling with even more discontent than your brain is telling you to feel.

There is a multitude of compromises made every day in a relationship from small to large, but perhaps the easiest solution for the atrocious Chinese food is for you both to go to different restaurants and take it home to eat together at the kitchen table.  Bam, no compromises made and everyone goes to bed with a happy tummy.

Other situations are not nearly as simplistic.  I will take on the hobby aspect of this.  Maybe you love wood working, but your love hates the smell and is a much more modern house decorator.  The chairs you've made throughout your life, the desks, coffee table, and tv stand all need to be thrown out and sold because, well, your love hates them and wants that smooth black and metal finished product to match the robot feel of the living room and kitchen.

This can obviously upset even the most stable of people.  You can try talking this one out, maybe you take one room and decorate it with your hard work, maybe you take the whole house and they hate it, or you sell all your hard work on craigslist for pennies on the time you spent making it and you get sent into a deep, dark depression feeling like the things you value most in life are meaningless to the one you love.

Any of the options above are a really tough spot to be in since it will most certainly render a split in the two involved.  Suddenly it becomes a matter of forcing things that should never be forced.  Perhaps, then, the better option is to just find someone who appreciates the time and effort you put into it - maybe that is one of the things they even love about you and they wish to become very active in creating those amazing pieces of art.

Maybe the two of you can outgrow that outdated wood look and move into modern sculpturing to decorate your living quarters.

Compromise is a very tricky thing in a relationship.  Once you start compromise it is very hard to see where it will end.  A little bit here and there is alright, but when does too much become a breaking point and can no longer bridge that gap?  That, my dear reader, is up to you to decide.

-Dustin S. Stover

As always, you can find my collection of short stories for sale on Kindle and Nook at the following links:

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
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The Most Pleasant Poem I've Ever Heard

There is a touch of sadness in your eyes right now.  You're talking about bad times through them, the things you've seen, and the things you've felt - whether directly or indirectly.

There floats an invisible ripple for a moment as I start to see a glimpse into something you don't want me to see.  We both acknowledge that I know it exists but before conversation goes any further the topic has changed.

A bubble forms out of your words, a never ending stream of happiness.  I believe it to be caused by our mutual enjoyment of one another, but I'm certain that you could find happiness in anything.  It is a part of you.  It is you.

Like the child with withered and torn clothing, too poor to eat meat from the market and survives on fruits and vegetables alone, yet even in the rainiest of rainy days he still finds himself outside dancing to invisible sounds and kicking a paper ball around the street.  He knows things could be better for him - how could he not - but he still finds a means to be happy.

And that's what your lips tell me while you speak.  They tell me there is happiness where the average person can find none.  Even if it is just your head hitting the pillow at the end of a long, hard fought day.

The trouble comes when our eyes lock.  The rest of the world floats away and it is just us.  I forget that I don't like it so much here, I forget that I work a job that pays me the least I've made in my adult life.  I forget that I have a past or a future or a present, for that matter.  All I can do is focus on your words, taking them in, absorbing what I gain from you.

And then you do this little dance in the sand.  Even though it is in the dead of the night, the hotel lights illuminate you as you laugh at yourself for being silly.  I don't see silly, though.  How could I see silly?

I see life.

And that, my dear, is why you're the most beautiful, the most pleasant poem that I've ever heard.

-Dustin S. Stover

Indulging in Experiences

I want to explore the different methods in which a couple can experience things together in this blog post.

Firstly, you have the obvious one.  The experiences that the two people mutually enjoy.  Maybe it is going rock climbing - which, this one has an added bonus of improving trust as well as the experience itself causing two people to grow together.  Maybe it is a concert for a band both companions enjoy.  Maybe it is fishing or whatever, just so long as the two people mutually find enjoyment.

But, let me dig in a bit deeper.  There is, of course, complications with this - at least, possible complications.  Maybe one person enjoys rock climbing because it clears their mind, it forces them to focus on one thing and making a break from the stresses of every day life.  The other person, however, could like the challenge of it - the ability to constantly get better at doing this.  Right away we can see the possibility of conflict in the mutual enjoyment.  One person tries to turn it into a competition with the other, the other person simply wants to escape stress.  

Of course, two people can meet in the middle on this as well.  Maybe that competitive nature of their significant other takes them even further away from their stresses.  Maybe they both slow down enough to just relax from it all.

There is another kind of experience that should also be discussed.  The kind of experience in which one person enjoys the experience and the other simply goes along in support.  Now, I could throw in my personal experiences into this mix; however, I'm just going to rattle off the various outcomes I can fathom from this scenario.

One would have the obvious side effect of the partner enjoying themselves as well.  Maybe it is from the sight of how much their loved one enjoys the situation or maybe it is due to finding out they have quite an interest in their experience.  This is the most pleasant outcome I could imagine.

Another outcome would be apathetic.  They really don't care.  This could easily be predictable behavior, it could create a divide between the couple, or it could render an apathetic nature as well.  I'd imagine that under the right circumstances it could even be a welcome response - perhaps you don't want your significant other to do said thing with you as you feel it is your alone time.  

Any way you spin the second method, though, it is far more enjoyable than the last response.  The final fundamental response I can imagine is a distaste for the experience.  Going back to the rock climbing, imagine how miserable you'd be if you were the one who enjoyed the rock climbing and your partner complained about it the entire time.  Or better yet, imagine being the one who hates it so much that you just wish the whole nightmare was over already.

This is easily the most divisive response.  Not only would it put the one who dislikes the experience in a bad mood (imagine spending 8 hours on the side of that mountain when you hate it), but that body language is going to feed into the one who'd normally enjoy themselves' bad time.  It is quite easy to imagine how resentment could grow from this - the mindset that, "well, I did this for you so what are you going to do for me?"  That kind of feeling is never positive in a relationship where respect and value is placed highly on one another.

Can you think of any other fundamental response to shared experiences?

-Dustin S. Stover

For more reading pleasure, check out my collection of short stories!

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What People Need in a Relationship

I recently read an article about what women need in a relationship. It got me thinking that men are equally needy in a relationship but those needs get overlooked. Beyond men being equally needy, men and women often times need the same things.

After reading the article I posted a link to a social media site which got a few comments. I noticed that the comments all repeated a similar statement – men just need food, beer and sex. I happen to know this is false because I'm a man and don't drink alcohol at all.

I have compiled a list of things below that are universally needed in a relationship with some male only needs for good measure.

A person in a relationship needs to know you love him. It goes beyond just saying the words, too. Show them you love them and they will return that sentiment.

People need active support in his decisions. Anyone can say, “yeah, honey, I think it is a good idea. You should do it.” It takes a different kind of person to help the loved one figure out payroll in their new found company.

Space. Too much space is as damaging to a relationship as too little space and every person in the world requires their own amount of space.

They want to be understood. You don't have to know exactly what to say in any given situation, but they want you to have some degree of understanding where they are coming from at any time. You may not understand their excitement over a new pair of shoes or a pool table, but you should know that they will react that way when they get it.

People want to feel special. Why do you love the other person? There are millions of reasons why someone can fall in love with another person, but why do you love the other person? Once you've figured that out then learn to express it. Is it their intelligence? Do they make you feel safe? Can you open up to them entirely? Let them know.

Everyone wants to feel sexually desired. The way someone wants to feel sexually desired is as individual as the person, but everyone wants that feeling. Whether it is through raw lust, intimate passion, dominated or subordinate. The moment the other person stops feeling sexually desired then the sex life diminishes.

We all want our pasts to be accepted. We made mistakes, and every one of us are a work in progress in some way. It is the human way to evolve our personalities throughout our life and in order to do that we must make mistakes along the way. Some will be a doozy, some will be shrugged off as though they don't matter, and others really won't matter but we all want the other person to understand that we're not there any more.

Last, we all want a future with the one we love. I do not know of anyone who gets into a relationship and thinks, “this is it. My life can end tomorrow and it is perfect.” We all want to experience that future with the loved one otherwise we wouldn't be in the relationship. That means growing together through experiences. When the experiences stop then the life with that person becomes dull. Everyone needs a different amount of experiences as well, so again this all falls back on understanding your partner.

Lastly, and this goes primarily for men, we need bacon. Bacon is great. Men love bacon and always appreciate it when a woman makes us some.

What is Love?

I recently asked some people what their definition of love is, but before I get into a long monologue about that here is the actual definition.

Love (noun): An intense feeling of deep affection
          (verb): to feel a deep romantic or sexual attraction

So, yeah, about as basic and non-descriptive as possible.  So now let me go into a philosophical spiel about the things people told me.

On a more simplistic and basic level, I got the answers that would immediately spring to mind - to care about someone, a great and positive feelings towards someone, and I even got the, "I don't know, it is just love."  Of course, these answers really don't lead anyone to a conclusive feeling any more than the definition does.

My favorite thing someone came to me with was a poem by Luis Vaz de Camões (this being translated from Portuguese)

Love is a fire that burns unseen, 
a wound that aches yet isn’t felt,
an always discontent contentment,
a pain that rages without hurting,

a longing for nothing but to long,
a loneliness in the midst of people, 
a never feeling pleased when pleased, 
a passion that gains when lost in thought.

It’s being enslaved of your own free will;
it’s counting your defeat a victory;
it’s staying loyal to your killer. 

But if it’s so self-contradictory,
how can Love, when Love chooses,
bring human hearts into sympathy?

So, finally, we reach some depth.  Some real, true, meaning.  

And when asking myself this very same question - what is love? - I could only come up with one thing, one answer that fit with me.  Love is the feeling that there will never be enough time with that person.  Whether it is a minute or an eternity, the feeling that tomorrow still won't be enough time to embrace the person but even knowing that time is limited, as we cannot exist for an eternity, it is still worth it to spend what little time together that can be shared.

Now, of course, we all think of love as the epitome of how much we care about someone else, or an action of staying loyal to someone.  Eventually, even, love just melts away into what two people say to one another because of the length of time spent together, but I dare you, my dear readers, to rethink that.  Next time you look at someone you love, or you used to love that still inhabits your space, think to yourself - think to yourself about what you want to do with that person.  Think about how much you'd miss them should they not be seen again tomorrow.  Remember that, at least at some point, you felt that there would never be enough time in your life to spend with them and ask yourself, has that changed?  Have you ever felt that way about another person?

What does love mean to you?

-Dustin S Stover

The Dangers of Insecurity

A recent event got me thinking quite deeply about insecurities and, more importantly, how they cause actions that are, well, less than desirable.

And of course, I've touched upon insecurities in the past - how important it is to be secure in yourself as a person, to know your strengths and weaknesses.  I won't ever neglect that importance as it seems to be the foundation of being a healthy human being.

So let me get into more detail about insecurities.  First off, they always stem from feeling as though value is lost somewhere.  They, of course, are the ones who have all the right to decide your value in their life and not you.  The moment you place your own insecurities in front of their judgment, it is to say that you don't trust them to judge you.

Yeah, yeah, go on your tangents about how people shouldn't judge - and I don't believe the typical judgments are fair, to say that because you dress or look a certain way is to mean you fit a certain criteria is unfair to any and all - however, everyone has to judge the moment someone is to enter their life in any substantial manner.

I'm guilty of being extremely cerebral.  I have a very strong tendency to try to understand anything and everything I can, but I'm also guilty of having quite cloudy judgment of how other people perceive me.  This should come as no surprise to anyone who has laid in bed at night wondering why someone else likes them or what have you.

To get back on topic, though, let's look at some of the actions that can be caused by insecurity.

A most prominent action is to question the other person's motives.  This can go into a variety of directions - are you looking to gain something from me, are you genuine in your interests, do you really care at all?  So on and so forth.  This mindset always ends badly.  For obvious reasons, it sets someone on the defense or offends them.  At the very least, it makes the insecure person seem less desirable because they appear to be rather emotionally unstable.

Another common one I've witnessed is the controlling type.  I'm sure a number have seen this overly common type.  The type who tells their significant other what they can and cannot do.  The type that makes them feel inferior in every way just to compensate their own lack of value - after all, if they do everything the insecure one desires then it must mean they love them, right?  Well, obviously not always.  Most of the time it ends up being psychologically devastating and no one wants to spend tens of thousands to undo the damage of being put down for, possibly, decades.

A third type is the one that shies away from interactions.  Perhaps a girl is interested in a guy, the guy doesn't understand why so he avoids her.  Passing up on all experience with the other person altogether.  This feeds into an even deeper problem where the insecure one starts the vicious cycle of feeling undesirable because they don't experience a relationship the way other people do so they don't take up the opportunities to explore a relationship when it presents itself.

In all of these cases, however, the core problem is the insecurity itself.  It should not be relied upon anyone else to make the insecure individual feel secure.  In the cases in which there are questions in regards to where two people stand with one another, it should be discussed in a healthy fashion.  If that insecurity in the relationship or friendship still exists afterwards then there is a fundamental problem inside the relationship - that fundamental issue is trust, but that is a topic I've previously discussed and, I'm most certain, I will discuss again in the future.

-Dustin S. stover

A Short Story Dedicated to Someone Nice

I shrug my shoulders at the end of yet another date.  A meaningless, trivial date that goes nowhere in a hurry and finds itself sitting at that place of nonexistence yet trying to force something to grow.

She looks at me and asks me how I feel about the weather.  I look at her and tell her it is hot, sweltering, and close enough to Hell that it would easily be mistaken.  We both laugh as she agrees, but the conversation, again, falls flat.

And at the end of the night we go our separate ways.  We parked near one another so we did an awkward walk in silence in similar directions until we end the short stroll by saying it was fun - it wasn't - and that we should do it again - we won't, but we agree upon it anyway.

Once I sit in my car, the sound of John Zorn's barely considered music playing in the background, I let out a sigh and think about how, yet again, I've led another friend to their perfect match.  Yet, of course, I can't find anyone that sits well with me.

I suppose at this time I should reflect back a bit into my past.  See, I moved to this suck fest of a town a few years back.  Desperately searching for a place through various shady websites, I finally met someone who didn't creep me out.  The room mates name - Peter.  Well, it was Pete, but he introduced himself as Peter at first.

Pete was the type of guy who had a genuine heart but couldn't really express himself effectively enough to win someone over well enough for a second date, but there was a girl I worked with that had a bit of an awkwardness to her.  After schmoozing it up a bit during the work shift, months of schmoozing, it dawned on me that Pete and the coworker - Ashley - had a lot in common.  

I asked Pete how he felt about throwing a bit of a house party and he got excited to bust out some old board games he had never gotten a chance to play.  I asked some coworkers.  He asked some friends.  It turned out to be quite the event - that's a total lie, actually.  It was five people sitting around a house, casually drinking beers and trying best to make conversation even though we had nothing really in common other than work.

Well, except Ashley and Pete.  They spent the entire night talking.  In fact, she ended up spending the night on the couch that night because once their conversation ended she was too tired to drive home.  

When the lease for that house ended, Ashley and Pete got their own place and back to the shady internet I went.

I had a string of bad experiences.  A room mate who decided that three a.m. was the perfect time to clean house using, I'm fairly certain, a sledgehammer and chainsaw.  I lasted a couple weeks before I found myself in another house.  The second place was listed as a straight laced, no frills kind of house.  What I got was a complete stoner who always had company.  It was a good thing my job didn't do random piss tests as I'd have failed by second hand inhalation alone.  I lasted a little bit longer by staying for a couple days more than a month.

Then I found myself roomed up with a girl.  I'm not going to lie, she was quite attractive.  I was afraid initially that I was going to make some kind of move on her and ruin everything but we soon discovered that we didn't care at all for one another romantically.  Something about our personalities didn't mesh that way, but we became good friends.  

Jamie was her name.  She became a sister to me, but when I moved in she had just went through a pretty rough break up.  She was engaged to a guy for almost a year, and dated for four years prior to that.  Typical story of walking in on him with her best friend.  Well, not so typical considering it was actually her mom and not best friend.  And her dad was watching.  Talk about weird stories.

Jamie went up and down with it.  Not only did she lose her lover, she cut her folks out of the picture, too.  

As she was getting emotionally stable again, however, I found myself introducing her to a guy I was trying to start a band with.  Tommy.  

Now, Tommy is a guy that when you look at him all that you can think is tattooed freak.  Piercings, tattoos, scruffy beard, long hair.  Jamie, on the other hand, was an understated kind of beauty.  No tattoos, no piercings, raised relatively conservative - probably why we'd have never worked out - and someone you'd never peg to be into a rock star.

It happened, though.  To be fair, Tommy is one of the nicest guys in the world.  The band didn't work out - all because of my lack of motivation - but Jamie and Tommy sure as hell did.  They are married and just adopted their second dog.  They also just bought their own place, which means I'm back out.  She still doesn't have any tattoos or piercings, though.

I've had my fair share of dates throughout that time - even had a bit of sex, too.  None of them stuck, though.  A crazy girl who, on a first date no less, asked me how I felt about knives being used during sex.  Another girl fell asleep while we were on a coffee date.  One girl lacked the intelligence to hold a conversation about anything deeper than the latest chick flick she watched.  

I finally met one I could talk to, hold conversation with.  Actually, it filled me with hope for the first time in years.  Then I found out she was married.

The sex that came and went was only ever so-so, but that is because, as everyone should know, great sex comes from emotions and comfort.  That's something that no amount of talent can replace.

And now here I find myself, once again, ending a date with a someone, while I'm sure is a perfectly good person, I have no connection with. 

I start the move in process for my new place tomorrow.  Another single room mate.  Another match made in heaven coming up.  It just won't be mine.

-Dustin S. Stover

For my collection of short stories, click below.

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Glue that Binds

I've seen a great deal more relationships than I could ever count.  We all have, really.  Whether it be the beginning of a relationship where a couple holds hands across the table or does that overly annoying sitting on the same side of the booth nonsense or it being the couple that has clearly been together for so long that they don't even care to make eye contact while they eat.

What, then, can make two people stay together?

I've put quite a lot of thought process into this question and I've boiled it down to two very distinct things - dependency and connection.  They aren't mutually exclusive, and most of the time a couple doesn't need but one.

As an example, I've seen relationships that the two fight incessantly, have no positive communication skills at all, don't even share the same interests, yet they stay together.  I've been close to couples like this, close enough to hear both sides of their stories and gotten quite a good feel as to why each one stays.  From this, the central point is that they depend on one another.  Sometimes that dependency comes from emotional security - knowing someone will be there.  Other times it comes from financial dependency - life is expensive for a huge portion of people.

Obviously this comes with an inherent grouping of problems.

The connection side of things, those long conversations about nothing and everything all at once.  The little experiences, like that hole in the wall restaurant, becoming some grand story symbolic of the love for one another, and all of those other small details that grow into massive lumps of butterflies in the stomach form into the connection we all crave.

That one sounds like the obvious winner of the competition of gluing, but is it?

Now, let me dive into exploring the consequences of each.

In the dependency corner, it can give one person more of an edge than the other - especially if one person is dependent on the other for tangibles.  The person in control of the commodities will gravitate towards feeling as though they are the more important role in the relationship, naturally.  It then becomes increasingly important for that person to become aware that they are choosing to stay in the relationship for a reason - they, too, are dependent on that other person.

Exploring the emotional dependency, then, we find that it becomes much the same power struggle.  For simplicity's sake, let's say a female becomes emotionally dependent on a male.  The male, at this point, can use that power to degrade the self esteem of the other person, to the point that it then becomes a feeling that they not only want the emotional support but feel they can't get it elsewhere, either.

The connection corner comes it with some pretty severe consequences as well.  For one, it can become quite addictive, yet when that entry level connection wears off and the day to day life starts reducing those hole in the wall restaurants to a simple meal it becomes easy to translate that to losing interest in the other person.

There is also the downside of, if the relationship ends, having to go back to those places and remembering the events that transpired - I still can't go to one of the coffee shops I used to frequent without being reminded of that fireplace lit conversation, just the two of us sitting there and the owner dimming the lights, making it look closed for all but us.

Anyway, communication is the real problem solver here.  It is equally important for all parties to know why the two of you (or three, or four, or more in some cases) stay together.  Not always will someone like to hear it.  It will always open the door to real conversation about things, though.

-Dustin S. Stover

Space and Distance

We all know those couples.  Those couples we see out and about, holding hands constantly, giving one another those super awkward glances of lovey dovey butterflies in your stomach that are sure to fade away within a month or two.

And like those puppy love induced romantics, we all know the couples who sit at a table together not even making eye contact.  The two have grown so stale with one another that not even the hand of God could swoop down and push them together.

I like to imagine they are all the same.  That old couple got its start being lovey dovey and vomit inducing romantics, but then I have to dream up a story that gets them to the point of misery and intolerance.

Usually the stories go something like this - the two smother one another until one has had enough.  The other keeps pressing to smother the other which makes the first start resenting the other.  Before you know it, ten years have past but they are totally dependent upon one another.

So what, then, could help this situation?  I believe space would be a good place to start.  Instead of two people smothering one another, why not give enough space to let the other person figure out the real you... or you figure out the real them?  Hurling one's self directly into the eye of the storm will never give an accurate portrayal of the other.

This, of course, should obviously be regarded as a delicate tight rope walk.  How much space is enough?  How much is too much?  This, of course, has the obvious answer of there being no definite answer.  Every person is different and needs drastically different things.

For example, I would be on one extreme of the spectrum - needing a lot of space.  Someone smothering me will get locked out of my life faster than they could say, "hey, what do you want to do for dinner?"

In fact, that is why a few of my relationships haven't worked out so well.  Go figure.

This will also change with time - people always need some space, even if they've been with someone for decades.  Maybe a week long fishing trip with the friends where the significant other isn't invited.  Maybe a spa trip.  Maybe just a nice long drive.

I think that having space is important for a multitude of reasons.  For starters, it allows two people to start missing one another.  I don't mean missing in the sense of them being lost, I mean it as a sense of missing the things they do - maybe the way they laugh, maybe the way they sign their name, maybe the way they make your favorite meal, it really doesn't matter what it is so long as it matters.

It also gives an individual the ability to process.  Maybe there was an argument that happened a month ago that had been laying dormant in your mind and it gives adequate time to delve into it, find out why it bothers you, and more importantly, understand their perspective.

Plus, it is just good to spend some time away to refresh.  A lover should never feel like a burden, but it is impossible to be around someone constantly without feeling a loss of individuality.  Refreshing the center of self can be empowering.

So then how much distance should there be in that space?  Well, again, that is a person to person basis.  Maybe it is just being in the garage while the other is inside.  Maybe it is going on a month long trip to Canada.  Maybe it is a six month hike through the Appalachian Trail.  Alright, that last one is probably pretty extreme and may end in divorce.  Use with caution (or take them with you.  That could be quite a fun experience!)

Any way you look at it, space and distance should be accounted for in every healthy relationship.  It could also say something pretty important about your relationship if you never feel satisfied with the lack of enough space.

-Dustin S. Stover

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Perplexing Complications of Finances and Relationships

Finances are claimed to be one of the biggest reasons for arguments in relationships, and with little wonder.  Either there isn't enough of it and the couple is stressing to pay for things or do extra things, perhaps one person makes significantly more than the other and thus a power struggle is formed, or perhaps splurge spending is to blame for the argument.

Now I'm going to extend my arms in an effort to form a hypothesis correlating the current state of the economy, along with how it has been for my entire adult life, and the increase in the rate of divorce.

First, and I'm aware at how unpopular this opinion is in the masses of this country (USA), but I don't believe anyone who works full time should be suffering financially so bad that they are forced to eat Ramen Noodles for dinner just to keep their bills paid - I actually believe that a first world country should feed into a healthy living for all who contribute to the work force, regardless of their job.  Save your arguments on that topic for another day.

Now, having said that, if a couple makes decent enough money to sustain an actual life together, affording to take vacations together or do activities together, I believe that the divorce rate would significantly drop.  Perhaps it isn't the money itself that is the problem, but rather it is the inability to share in activities that encourage personal and relationship growth.

I know I've said in the past that experiences can be taken in drastically different ways between two people who share in said experience but not having any experiences will dull the relationship even more quickly.  At least the memories are building when experiences are shared as opposed to watching television, which is to say, watching other people do things.  Arguably, a good television show is an experience, but does a television show compare to a month long road trip across ten state lines?  Does it really compare to seeing the depth of the Grand Canyon first hand?  Does it really compare to people watching in Paris?

I don't believe it does.  There is one thing that all of these experiences have in common - they all require money.  Even something as minor as driving 15 hours for a vacation can add up to a thousand dollars or more once you include hotel stay, gas or airplane tickets, and food.  Especially if you want to make it a worthwhile trip and stay for a week.  That doesn't include souvenirs you may want to purchase.

The sad truth of the matter is that I know more people that struggle to come up with that thousands of dollars than otherwise, people who aren't necessarily bad with their money just people who don't have the money to be bad with.  It isn't from a lack of work, either.  They work their asses off.

To relate it back to the relationship aspect - arguments are formed because the couple never do anything together.  There are only going to be so many times a couple can visit the same "favorite" restaurant before it no longer offers a special feeling, only so many times that quick trip to the movies for some alone time is realized to be a lack of connection.  Still, those things cost money and I've seen hard working couples struggle to afford tickets to see a movie or to go to that nice restaurant once every six months.

Then comes the logical answer - they need to find better jobs.  The problem with this is, and we all know how this turns out, how stressful is it searching for a new job?  Is the new job going to be worse than the old one?  How about the pay?  How about the hours?  How about that one really shitty employee that you get stuck with every single fucking time you are forced to work alongside someone else?  And who gets all those stresses taken out on?

Yeah, that's right, the significant other.

No one works because they want to work, regardless of what they tell themselves.  Everyone works so they can support hobbies and experiences.  When a couple can't afford hobbies and experiences, how can a relationship survive?

I'm not at all an economics professional, but I believe that if money weren't such a major issue then we would see relationships - and marriages, especially - stand together for a significantly longer time.

-Dustin S. Stover

Purchase my collection of short stories in the links below.
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Toxicity in Relationships

It is so easy to ignore the toxic behaviors of a person you love, or believe to love, while in a relationship with them, and the way that toxic behaviors exist can be as wide ranging as there are the amount of people in the world.  I will outline some of the behaviors I find most unsettling in this blog.

First, lies.  Lies can come in so many different flavors and just about everyone is guilty of shifting the truth in some fashion or another, but severe lying - compulsive, even - is something drastically different.  If you catch your lover in lies and they deny those lies, or find ways to circle around their lies to confuse and defer blame of those lies then there is something seriously unhealthy going on.

This is one of those things that doesn't even have to be direct, either.  Just the fact that your lover lies in general means that it is only a matter of time before your trust in this person dissipates into oblivion.

Passive aggressive comments are another big sign of an unhealthy relationship, especially if they are done in such a fashion that makes it seem like a joke in public.  Let's just take out the possibility of it being meant seriously, that means your lover is utilizing you as the butt of their joke.  That instantly puts on display a lack of respect for you.  Now, obviously, comes the fact that there is meaning behind it as otherwise it wouldn't be said.

Passive aggressive comments belittle the recipient to such a degree that the effects aren't directly known.  Their emotional and mental well being just consistently shrinks over time, the more they hear these comments, so that where they may have initially thought, "this is a harmless joke," they no longer laugh.

Then there is controlling behavior.  If your lover tries to dominate what you do, how you do things, or expects severe double standards out of the relationship - especially if they have far more freedom than you do - then there is a very degrading situation brewing.

It isn't fair to anyone in a relationship to be looked at as less of a person inside the relationship, and it most certainly isn't conducive to allowing the person to grow into a better person.

Analyzing these traits, at least in my mind, leads me to believe they are all inherently connected by a single personality trait - insecurity.

Why would someone lie so consistently, and then try to wrap their denial around in so many paths that it is impossible to follow?  Because they are insecure with themselves and look for a means to feel better about their actions.

Why would someone make such passive aggressive comments?  Because they don't know how to effectively portray what they feel in a constructive, healthy, and respectful fashion - and why wouldn't they know how to do that?  Because they are insecure about their feelings.

Why would someone be so controlling?  Because they feel that if they don't control the person then they will lose the person - again, insecurity.

Now, what is the most basic reason for insecurity?  What is the root of why a person is so insecure?  Where does it stem from, insecurity?

You tell me what you think the answer may be.

-Dustin S. Stover

For my collection of short stories, click below:
Kindle:  Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook:  Happiness in a Void of Darkness

What Should We Focus on for Love?

As an individual, we're all lonely. We all seek out these deeply profound connections to other living beings in an effort to fill this gaping hole that can only exist in our minds. We pass people on the road, we pass people walking through the mall or store, we stand behind people in line at the restaurant, and yet we always have this longing for something more.

In theory, every lover should start as a friend but we all know that rarely happens. Boy sees girl, boy asks girl out on a date, then another date if the first goes well, and it is all with the intention of getting to a point of togetherness that extends well beyond a mere friendship and it all bases itself purely in a sense that the two people's attraction to one another was, essentially, enough to judge how lasting a relationship might be. (This is obviously a generalization and strictly being utilized to make a point – situations may vary.)

That is, primarily, a perfect depiction as to how desperate humanity is to fill the space next to the individual.

Even in situations where the two people desire a slower pace to get to know one another, that physical attraction can be alarmingly hard to deny, which can, in turn, spiral the entire process of getting to know another out of control. Before the two know it, a type of dependent relationship has been formed and the two individuals may not even be able to tolerate one another.

And still, it is just to occupy the innate emotion of loneliness – filling an imaginary gap in one's life. Looking at the dating world from this perspective, it is no wonder why so many marriages end in divorce, but how can we prevent it? Is it just the way humans are wired emotionally, latching onto narrow threads of emotional hope in an effort to justify time spent?

The opposite side of the spectrum isn't really any better - the non-committal side of the equation, casual and meaningless everything with casual encounters.  Sometimes they're lined up through the shady, back ended areas of the internet like Craigslist Personals and other times finding the one at the bar who is at just the right level of intoxication to drop their inhibitions for a night of adult fun, only to wake the next day and wonder why they made the choice to not use a rubber with someone they can barely remember the name of – was it Jamie or Jenny?

Both sides of this equation are trying to solve the same problem, despite their deeply different means of going about doing so, and yet both fail miserably. Why is this?

The answer is quite simple – no one ever really gets to know the other person before developing emotions. Better yet, how many people truly know themselves well enough to concern themselves with who someone else is? I get it, it is hard working full time, paying bills, trying to socialize with people you tolerate and sometimes enjoy, making dinner, cleaning the house, trying to find a hobby that gives you a reason to wake up the following day and do it all over again, and trying to find a love interest. It leaves little room to do the, perhaps, hardest things in the world – analyze yourself enough to fully understand who you are.

I'm not talking about the, “I know who I am because I enjoy the job I do and I have kids to take care of,” knowing, either. I'm talking about the kind of knowing in which there is full understanding of how you'd react in a situation never encountered before due to being able to visualize the emotions it would provoke inside. I'm talking about having such a deep understanding of yourself that you can sit in a room alone and think about where the emotions you are encumbered by stem from, and have the ability to work your way through it all to readily accept things as they truly are – not sugar coating them in a way that makes you feel better about them. I'm talking about the ability to call yourself out on how much of a bullshitter you truly are, not cover up lies with more lies because those lies you've told yourself to hide from the truth prevent you from seeing where the truth even began at.

There are few things in this world more painful than someone else seeing you for your true self when you can't. How much lonelier does it get to lie next to someone who sees your strengths and weaknesses when you've made up strengths to hide the fact that you have weaknesses? And really, who wants to be with someone who refuses to grow beyond where they are at in that stage of their life?

I firmly believe that the central point of every healthy relationship revolves around that one simple thing – knowing yourself, both people (or in some cases, three or four people – I'm not here to judge) involved in the relationship knowing themselves. If you can't maintain a realistic perspective of yourself then how can you have a realistic perspective of someone else, and if you can't have a realistic perspective of the person (or people) you're with then how can you ever hope to have a healthy relationship?

Anyway, let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

-Dustin S. Stover

For short stories written by me, follow the links below.

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Attraction (Let Me Get Personal)

With the recent influx of titles for sexual preferences, I thought it should be time that I put in my two cents in regards to attraction.

First off, I think labels are grossly misused.  Why should there be a thousand labels to identify someone's sexuality (or lack thereof)?  It is simple - do you like the person?  Yes?  No?  Alright, let's move on.

I've always struggled with why I'm desirable and I, very typically, come to the conclusion that it is for all the wrong reasons.  I feel that personality should be the highest priority in finding a partner, but it is the hardest part of a person to uncover.

More often than not, it is appearance that strikes someone's fancy.  It should be no wonder, then, why so many relationships fail.  By the point comes in which you discover the person's personality, what makes them unique, you're in too deep to just walk away.  It is also the time people discover their distaste for the other person.

Let me turn this a bit more personal.  It should come to no surprise to anyone who knows me that I've had my fair share of relationships, typically lasting far longer than their expiration date should have allowed.

Through these experiences I have discovered that there are two primary reasons people find themselves attracted to me.  Either through physical appearance, which I've already touched upon, or what I represent in their life.

I represent a fleeting moment in time.  A life that allows my discontent to be explored and turn otherwise relevant and staying points in time to be fleeting.  Even when I'm not moving I'm moving.  I'm a dream that people think they desire in life, the ability to pack up and leave at a given point in time without the fear of what could happen, the ability to leave a miserable job because I can live on pennies on the dollar and not think twice about it, and the ability to pursue my own goals uninhibited by the strains of loans, children to take care of, or whatever other social norms that I feel so far removed from that they only create consequences in my life by separating me further from the norm.

I feel that personality is the least likely to shine through even for myself, which I feel is, essentially, everything I am.

Is this really any different than anyone else, though?  Even the most simplistic person often feels desperately alone in their relationship - could it be that it all rides on them not feeling accepted, deep down, even on a subconscious level, by the one they've grown dependent upon?

I've always been into personality primarily.  Always.  A friend recently made a comment to me about how I don't have a body type of woman.  It is true.  Looking back through my history, I've never looked to a body type as a source of attraction.  I've chosen to look deep into who each person was, appreciate them for being this unique person who could only exist if their life experiences happened exactly as they did to bring them to the very point in time in which we met and then chosen to allow them complete expression of themselves.  Often times at the expense of my own expression, so it goes without wonder why I've felt so little acceptance in my previous affairs.  (Do not message me asking if this is about you.)

Don't get me wrong, a physical attraction has to be sparked somewhere in there; however, anyone can become attractive to another person if the emotions are there first and everyone has some type of preference for body type, but it boggles my mind when someone won't date another person because they are too tall or too short or too hairy, their hips too big, they are overweight, or whatever other reason.  Some of these things can be truly important, of course - say you lift weights and working out is a large part of your life, obviously someone who prefers to watch tv and is overweight won't be the one for you, but is that because of body type or lifestyle choices?

The whole point behind this post is that perspectives need to change.  The level of importance on what you call yourself sexually has been raised far too high.  Physical appearance has got to stop mattering as much if the desire is to be in a truly happy relationship - and if you have it matter less now then you'll find yourself attracted to someone in a way you never knew possible later.

Every human being is comprised of the same building blocks, we all have the same basic functionality - what makes us different are our personalities, not our appearance.  It is time that society started valuing that more.  Or don't.  That choice is ultimately up to you.

-Dustin S. Stover

My collection of short stories can be found through Kindle and Barnes and Noble.
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

This Ain't No Rodeo (Pt. 2)

Brandi had to deal with Zach's craziness for years. It was a type of insanity best related to post traumatic stress disorder, but she had a means to calm him in his worst of times.

The nightmares, however, had become increasingly frequent and vivid. Waking in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and crying out for his lost children. Brandi had not yet told him that she was expecting for fear of him having a bigger meltdown.

It was, perhaps, instinctual that Zach was reacting the way he was. He wanted more children. He longed for more children. His fragile mind, however, fears that he'll, again, have to watch their slaughter before his eyes.

Brandi had not started showing, but winter was working in her favor. It was on the horizon and it would be the excuse she needed to wear the bigger and baggier clothes for work to keep warm, hiding any signs she may be pregnant for the necessary time needed to ease Zach's mind into, again, becoming a father.

Brandi was none too sure about having a child herself, but she knew that it would make Zach happy if he could get over his fears.

Her arms wrap around him, it is a little past three in the morning, while his tears flow down his face and drip off into his lap. Her eyes swell with tears beginning to form as well, but she refuses to let them fall. It isn't her trying to be strong for him, it is her trying to prevent more sadness from him. He is, of course, acutely aware of how his emotions impact hers.

Her hands flow through his hair, freshly trimmed to a short cut, and kisses his forehead. “I'm sorry,” Zach says with softness.

“Don't apologize.” Her hand slides down to his stubbly bearded face as she uses the gesture to gently glide his face towards hers. Their eyes lock and instantly a gentle calm floats through him. Her gentle lips touch his soft and vague before slipping back at a distance where their faces become clear again. “We can make it through this.” His tears stop as her left hand slides down his back – the right still resting softly against his cheek.

She lay down beside him again and pulled his head to her shoulder. His arm slid over her stomach as he kissed the side of her neck. “Thank you.”

It was noon. The middle of the work day and Brandi had no patients. She found herself in the back of her office, the corner, facing books about current procedures in the medical field. Tears the size of rivers are flowing down her face and her right hand rests firmly on her stomach. Under the deep but soft breathing, she says, “how will I tell him?”

A firm, hard knock upon her door happens. She wipes the tears from her face and swiftly moves her hand from herself before telling whoever is there to enter.

“We are...” a pause fills the air. “Are you alright?”

“I'm fine.” Brandi, still not having turned around, peers from the corner of her eyes to see a male clerk named Johnny standing at the door. “What do you need?”

“We're running low on gauze. I need to run to the pharmacy to pick up some.” His speech came out concerned and desiring of more information. “I know I'm new here but I will listen to whatever you have going on.”

“Thanks.” Brandi's eyes stared into the books in front of her. “I'll be fine. Thank you.”

“You don't always have to be a bad ass.” The door shut behind Johnny as he made his way, presumably, to the pharmacy.

A steaming cup of coffee sits in front of Zach as he stares outside at his ranch, cattle feeding calmly, and his mind lost in some far away land where Brandi and he are living happily and without issue of his previous life. A plate with a half eaten biscuit with eggs to the side sit in front of him, the eggs steaming and coffee filling the air with a pleasant aroma. It is the physical icing of his emotional dreamland.

His fork slides into the egg and he lifts it to his mouth. There is a hint of pepper and salt combined with the egg and for a moment a smile forms on his face that escapes notice. Brandi, in his mind, is brushing a horse's mane and smiling back at him with those beautiful eyes that first caught his attention so many years ago and a smile the makes him melt still to this day.

Two of the cows outside walk alongside one another to a patch of grass as another lets out a loud moo. Zach takes a sip of coffee as he eyes peer towards the cattle but seeing a fantasy landscape instead.

An hour had passed when another knock came about the door of Brandi's office. Her ass was parked firmly in her chair, reading glasses cover her eyes as she read the latest story book to hit the shelves. Her work day was over as far as she was concerned, though she was mentally checked out before checking in.

Johnny peered his head through a crack he made in the door way. “I brought you some chocolate.”

Brandi's lips form into a smile. “Thank you.”

“There's a catch.”

“Oh? What's the catch?”

“You have to tell me what's going on.”

Brandi hunches over, but she knows she has to talk to someone. She can't figure out the answers herself. “Give me the chocolate.”

Johnny breaks off a piece of the chocolate and set it in her hand.

“You're serious about this, huh?” she smirks.

She lays it out on the table, but she has no choice. As soon as she starts giving up information it floods out of her like a river dam breaking. Johnny's facial expressions range from the joy he finds in Zach and Brandi's love for one another to the sadness he finds his Zach's past and how hard it is for him to pull out of it.

The time flows quickly as more and more of the story exposes itself. Finally, as Brandi finishes the story, Johnny offers up the most simplistic of solutions. “Tell him you're pregnant. It will give him a reason to concentrate on the future instead of the past.”

Brandi prepared a fire in the back yard after getting home, Zach still sat at the kitchen table staring off into his dream world. She sits down beside him and slides her right hand over his left to break his trance. The two lock eyes and smile at one another – her smile matching that of the one in his fantasy. “Let's go out back, babe. Let's enjoy being outside. The evening is perfect.”

They sit close to one another on a log just outside of the fire. Brandi's arms wrap around Zach and he melts into her body. They settle into the comfort of one another for a long moment that suspends itself in the air.

“Zach, my love, I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?” Zach says as their bodies are still melted together, and without moving to break the bond.

“I'm pregnant.”

Zach's heart stops momentarily as all of his fears come into the front of his mind – the memory of his children from his previous marriage dying in front of him, the memory of him being completely unable to do anything to save them. His heart begins to race faster and faster when, suddenly, Brandi's hand touches the side of his face to pull it to face her's.

“It will be ok. We have one another. This is a good thing.”

His eyes lock into hers and a calm flows over him. His heart slows to near normal levels. All he can see is her eyes, her lips, her face, her love. All he can feel is that moment in time, filling him as deeply as anything can. A smile forms on his face.

“I know it isn't going to be easy, but we can do this. We can do this together.”

Zach, without any intent or control, finds his lips matching hers in a passionate lock that stills time. After an eternity has passed, his lips peel back and he says, “yes. Yes, we can do this. I love you.”

-Dustin S. Stover

The Dilemmas of Love and Lust

Love and lust hold so many similarities and yet maintain very distinct differences.  The similarities make them very easily blurred, especially when emotionally fragile.  The differences, however, can absolutely ruin one or the other.

A prime example of this is cheating and those who cheat.  It should come as little surprise that the primary reason that any person would cheat is because they are lacking something in their primary relationship.  Sometimes that is emotional, sometimes that is physical, sometimes it is both, but assuredly it is because of love or lust.

Everyone craves love, whether we want to admit it or not.  We all have a strong desire to be completely accepted by another individual for who we are and feel a mutual acceptance for that person.  The real problem with this arises when people begin to show who they really are, or perhaps allow.

Lust, of course, is what everyone wants.  It can involve he emotions of love, but it may not necessarily be the same.  It is just an act of total passion.

There should always be a balance between the two in any healthy relationship, but obviously it is easy to fall into certain routines.  Those routines can easily destroy one side of that balance.  So what is a person to do after they've lost one side of that equation?

The simplistic answer is to talk it out and find a means to regain that balance to a satisfactory level.  Of course, from what most people have told me about their own relationships, this seems like the least likely option.  Apparently people find themselves in relationships in which talking out their differences to find something mutually beneficial is harder than what I could possibly imagine.

The next option, and what seems to happen far more frequently than is healthy, is to cheat.  Finding that someone at the local coffee shop, through online dating, or a coworker who can satisfy whatever is lacking in the situation.  It ends in some seriously hurt feelings or worse, far worse in some cases.

I find it rather interesting as to how common it is for open relationships to exist.  I shouldn't be surprised as I've had my own versions of this one in the past; however, I've found that the majority of people I know who do have these circumstances are the ones who either are or have partners who are unwilling to listen to the other person.

I should note that it isn't because they are bad people in the situations I've had people talk to me about, but rather it seems to be more of a pride thing.  No one wants to hear that they don't give good oral or can't last a satisfying length of time, but the fact is that these things happen.  Talking about them and bringing them into the open is the first step at accepting them, and only after accepting them can they be changed for the better.

I'm not going to pretend that I have any set advice on how to find a solution if you find yourself in this situation.  The only thing I can say about it is that you have to talk.  If you find yourself lacking the emotional side, especially if you're a man (and we know how hard that is) then express that, even if you don't even know that is what you're experiencing.  Just express yourself.  If you find yourself lustful after that feeling of pure, raw, uninhibited sexual fantasy and desire, even as a woman, then express that to your partner.  You may not be able to find a happy middle ground, but at least it is a start towards figuring out how to find one.

-Dustin S. Stover

For more of my writing, click below.
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness