The Glue that Binds

I've seen a great deal more relationships than I could ever count.  We all have, really.  Whether it be the beginning of a relationship where a couple holds hands across the table or does that overly annoying sitting on the same side of the booth nonsense or it being the couple that has clearly been together for so long that they don't even care to make eye contact while they eat.

What, then, can make two people stay together?

I've put quite a lot of thought process into this question and I've boiled it down to two very distinct things - dependency and connection.  They aren't mutually exclusive, and most of the time a couple doesn't need but one.

As an example, I've seen relationships that the two fight incessantly, have no positive communication skills at all, don't even share the same interests, yet they stay together.  I've been close to couples like this, close enough to hear both sides of their stories and gotten quite a good feel as to why each one stays.  From this, the central point is that they depend on one another.  Sometimes that dependency comes from emotional security - knowing someone will be there.  Other times it comes from financial dependency - life is expensive for a huge portion of people.

Obviously this comes with an inherent grouping of problems.

The connection side of things, those long conversations about nothing and everything all at once.  The little experiences, like that hole in the wall restaurant, becoming some grand story symbolic of the love for one another, and all of those other small details that grow into massive lumps of butterflies in the stomach form into the connection we all crave.

That one sounds like the obvious winner of the competition of gluing, but is it?

Now, let me dive into exploring the consequences of each.

In the dependency corner, it can give one person more of an edge than the other - especially if one person is dependent on the other for tangibles.  The person in control of the commodities will gravitate towards feeling as though they are the more important role in the relationship, naturally.  It then becomes increasingly important for that person to become aware that they are choosing to stay in the relationship for a reason - they, too, are dependent on that other person.

Exploring the emotional dependency, then, we find that it becomes much the same power struggle.  For simplicity's sake, let's say a female becomes emotionally dependent on a male.  The male, at this point, can use that power to degrade the self esteem of the other person, to the point that it then becomes a feeling that they not only want the emotional support but feel they can't get it elsewhere, either.

The connection corner comes it with some pretty severe consequences as well.  For one, it can become quite addictive, yet when that entry level connection wears off and the day to day life starts reducing those hole in the wall restaurants to a simple meal it becomes easy to translate that to losing interest in the other person.

There is also the downside of, if the relationship ends, having to go back to those places and remembering the events that transpired - I still can't go to one of the coffee shops I used to frequent without being reminded of that fireplace lit conversation, just the two of us sitting there and the owner dimming the lights, making it look closed for all but us.

Anyway, communication is the real problem solver here.  It is equally important for all parties to know why the two of you (or three, or four, or more in some cases) stay together.  Not always will someone like to hear it.  It will always open the door to real conversation about things, though.

-Dustin S. Stover

Space and Distance

We all know those couples.  Those couples we see out and about, holding hands constantly, giving one another those super awkward glances of lovey dovey butterflies in your stomach that are sure to fade away within a month or two.

And like those puppy love induced romantics, we all know the couples who sit at a table together not even making eye contact.  The two have grown so stale with one another that not even the hand of God could swoop down and push them together.

I like to imagine they are all the same.  That old couple got its start being lovey dovey and vomit inducing romantics, but then I have to dream up a story that gets them to the point of misery and intolerance.

Usually the stories go something like this - the two smother one another until one has had enough.  The other keeps pressing to smother the other which makes the first start resenting the other.  Before you know it, ten years have past but they are totally dependent upon one another.

So what, then, could help this situation?  I believe space would be a good place to start.  Instead of two people smothering one another, why not give enough space to let the other person figure out the real you... or you figure out the real them?  Hurling one's self directly into the eye of the storm will never give an accurate portrayal of the other.

This, of course, should obviously be regarded as a delicate tight rope walk.  How much space is enough?  How much is too much?  This, of course, has the obvious answer of there being no definite answer.  Every person is different and needs drastically different things.

For example, I would be on one extreme of the spectrum - needing a lot of space.  Someone smothering me will get locked out of my life faster than they could say, "hey, what do you want to do for dinner?"

In fact, that is why a few of my relationships haven't worked out so well.  Go figure.

This will also change with time - people always need some space, even if they've been with someone for decades.  Maybe a week long fishing trip with the friends where the significant other isn't invited.  Maybe a spa trip.  Maybe just a nice long drive.

I think that having space is important for a multitude of reasons.  For starters, it allows two people to start missing one another.  I don't mean missing in the sense of them being lost, I mean it as a sense of missing the things they do - maybe the way they laugh, maybe the way they sign their name, maybe the way they make your favorite meal, it really doesn't matter what it is so long as it matters.

It also gives an individual the ability to process.  Maybe there was an argument that happened a month ago that had been laying dormant in your mind and it gives adequate time to delve into it, find out why it bothers you, and more importantly, understand their perspective.

Plus, it is just good to spend some time away to refresh.  A lover should never feel like a burden, but it is impossible to be around someone constantly without feeling a loss of individuality.  Refreshing the center of self can be empowering.

So then how much distance should there be in that space?  Well, again, that is a person to person basis.  Maybe it is just being in the garage while the other is inside.  Maybe it is going on a month long trip to Canada.  Maybe it is a six month hike through the Appalachian Trail.  Alright, that last one is probably pretty extreme and may end in divorce.  Use with caution (or take them with you.  That could be quite a fun experience!)

Any way you look at it, space and distance should be accounted for in every healthy relationship.  It could also say something pretty important about your relationship if you never feel satisfied with the lack of enough space.

-Dustin S. Stover

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Bones in the Alleyway

There is something so peaceful as one gazes back in time.  Sure, emotions arise from the past events.  Sure the nasty things we went through pop into those memory lanes, but it is peaceful.

When I stare down those dark and abandoned alleyways, littered with the remains of past lives, lovers, and those who got in the way, I know that I've cleared a path all my own and on my own.  The accomplishment is mine.

The trick is, of course, to not stare for too long.  The peacefulness wears off when bones start being picked up.  It is hard to sit in the comfy chair while crying over the spilled milk of yesteryears.

The watch on my wrist doesn't stop moving, either.  Today may be a bad enough day that recalling the turmoil of the past makes me feel better, more accomplished, and like I'm moving forward in life, but tomorrow may be missed entirely.

So I'll massage my own feet before sleep tonight.  They'll be ready for a thousand steps tomorrow.  Who knows, maybe the following day will have me seeing these bones.

-Dustin S. Stover
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness