We all know those couples. Those couples we see out and about, holding hands constantly, giving one another those super awkward glances of lovey dovey butterflies in your stomach that are sure to fade away within a month or two.
And like those puppy love induced romantics, we all know the couples who sit at a table together not even making eye contact. The two have grown so stale with one another that not even the hand of God could swoop down and push them together.
I like to imagine they are all the same. That old couple got its start being lovey dovey and vomit inducing romantics, but then I have to dream up a story that gets them to the point of misery and intolerance.
Usually the stories go something like this - the two smother one another until one has had enough. The other keeps pressing to smother the other which makes the first start resenting the other. Before you know it, ten years have past but they are totally dependent upon one another.
So what, then, could help this situation? I believe space would be a good place to start. Instead of two people smothering one another, why not give enough space to let the other person figure out the real you... or you figure out the real them? Hurling one's self directly into the eye of the storm will never give an accurate portrayal of the other.
This, of course, should obviously be regarded as a delicate tight rope walk. How much space is enough? How much is too much? This, of course, has the obvious answer of there being no definite answer. Every person is different and needs drastically different things.
For example, I would be on one extreme of the spectrum - needing a lot of space. Someone smothering me will get locked out of my life faster than they could say, "hey, what do you want to do for dinner?"
In fact, that is why a few of my relationships haven't worked out so well. Go figure.
This will also change with time - people always need some space, even if they've been with someone for decades. Maybe a week long fishing trip with the friends where the significant other isn't invited. Maybe a spa trip. Maybe just a nice long drive.
I think that having space is important for a multitude of reasons. For starters, it allows two people to start missing one another. I don't mean missing in the sense of them being lost, I mean it as a sense of missing the things they do - maybe the way they laugh, maybe the way they sign their name, maybe the way they make your favorite meal, it really doesn't matter what it is so long as it matters.
It also gives an individual the ability to process. Maybe there was an argument that happened a month ago that had been laying dormant in your mind and it gives adequate time to delve into it, find out why it bothers you, and more importantly, understand their perspective.
Plus, it is just good to spend some time away to refresh. A lover should never feel like a burden, but it is impossible to be around someone constantly without feeling a loss of individuality. Refreshing the center of self can be empowering.
So then how much distance should there be in that space? Well, again, that is a person to person basis. Maybe it is just being in the garage while the other is inside. Maybe it is going on a month long trip to Canada. Maybe it is a six month hike through the Appalachian Trail. Alright, that last one is probably pretty extreme and may end in divorce. Use with caution (or take them with you. That could be quite a fun experience!)
Any way you look at it, space and distance should be accounted for in every healthy relationship. It could also say something pretty important about your relationship if you never feel satisfied with the lack of enough space.
-Dustin S. Stover
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
And like those puppy love induced romantics, we all know the couples who sit at a table together not even making eye contact. The two have grown so stale with one another that not even the hand of God could swoop down and push them together.
I like to imagine they are all the same. That old couple got its start being lovey dovey and vomit inducing romantics, but then I have to dream up a story that gets them to the point of misery and intolerance.
Usually the stories go something like this - the two smother one another until one has had enough. The other keeps pressing to smother the other which makes the first start resenting the other. Before you know it, ten years have past but they are totally dependent upon one another.
So what, then, could help this situation? I believe space would be a good place to start. Instead of two people smothering one another, why not give enough space to let the other person figure out the real you... or you figure out the real them? Hurling one's self directly into the eye of the storm will never give an accurate portrayal of the other.
This, of course, should obviously be regarded as a delicate tight rope walk. How much space is enough? How much is too much? This, of course, has the obvious answer of there being no definite answer. Every person is different and needs drastically different things.
For example, I would be on one extreme of the spectrum - needing a lot of space. Someone smothering me will get locked out of my life faster than they could say, "hey, what do you want to do for dinner?"
In fact, that is why a few of my relationships haven't worked out so well. Go figure.
This will also change with time - people always need some space, even if they've been with someone for decades. Maybe a week long fishing trip with the friends where the significant other isn't invited. Maybe a spa trip. Maybe just a nice long drive.
I think that having space is important for a multitude of reasons. For starters, it allows two people to start missing one another. I don't mean missing in the sense of them being lost, I mean it as a sense of missing the things they do - maybe the way they laugh, maybe the way they sign their name, maybe the way they make your favorite meal, it really doesn't matter what it is so long as it matters.
It also gives an individual the ability to process. Maybe there was an argument that happened a month ago that had been laying dormant in your mind and it gives adequate time to delve into it, find out why it bothers you, and more importantly, understand their perspective.
Plus, it is just good to spend some time away to refresh. A lover should never feel like a burden, but it is impossible to be around someone constantly without feeling a loss of individuality. Refreshing the center of self can be empowering.
So then how much distance should there be in that space? Well, again, that is a person to person basis. Maybe it is just being in the garage while the other is inside. Maybe it is going on a month long trip to Canada. Maybe it is a six month hike through the Appalachian Trail. Alright, that last one is probably pretty extreme and may end in divorce. Use with caution (or take them with you. That could be quite a fun experience!)
Any way you look at it, space and distance should be accounted for in every healthy relationship. It could also say something pretty important about your relationship if you never feel satisfied with the lack of enough space.
-Dustin S. Stover
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
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