Toxicity in Relationships

It is so easy to ignore the toxic behaviors of a person you love, or believe to love, while in a relationship with them, and the way that toxic behaviors exist can be as wide ranging as there are the amount of people in the world.  I will outline some of the behaviors I find most unsettling in this blog.

First, lies.  Lies can come in so many different flavors and just about everyone is guilty of shifting the truth in some fashion or another, but severe lying - compulsive, even - is something drastically different.  If you catch your lover in lies and they deny those lies, or find ways to circle around their lies to confuse and defer blame of those lies then there is something seriously unhealthy going on.

This is one of those things that doesn't even have to be direct, either.  Just the fact that your lover lies in general means that it is only a matter of time before your trust in this person dissipates into oblivion.

Passive aggressive comments are another big sign of an unhealthy relationship, especially if they are done in such a fashion that makes it seem like a joke in public.  Let's just take out the possibility of it being meant seriously, that means your lover is utilizing you as the butt of their joke.  That instantly puts on display a lack of respect for you.  Now, obviously, comes the fact that there is meaning behind it as otherwise it wouldn't be said.

Passive aggressive comments belittle the recipient to such a degree that the effects aren't directly known.  Their emotional and mental well being just consistently shrinks over time, the more they hear these comments, so that where they may have initially thought, "this is a harmless joke," they no longer laugh.

Then there is controlling behavior.  If your lover tries to dominate what you do, how you do things, or expects severe double standards out of the relationship - especially if they have far more freedom than you do - then there is a very degrading situation brewing.

It isn't fair to anyone in a relationship to be looked at as less of a person inside the relationship, and it most certainly isn't conducive to allowing the person to grow into a better person.

Analyzing these traits, at least in my mind, leads me to believe they are all inherently connected by a single personality trait - insecurity.

Why would someone lie so consistently, and then try to wrap their denial around in so many paths that it is impossible to follow?  Because they are insecure with themselves and look for a means to feel better about their actions.

Why would someone make such passive aggressive comments?  Because they don't know how to effectively portray what they feel in a constructive, healthy, and respectful fashion - and why wouldn't they know how to do that?  Because they are insecure about their feelings.

Why would someone be so controlling?  Because they feel that if they don't control the person then they will lose the person - again, insecurity.

Now, what is the most basic reason for insecurity?  What is the root of why a person is so insecure?  Where does it stem from, insecurity?

You tell me what you think the answer may be.

-Dustin S. Stover

For my collection of short stories, click below:
Kindle:  Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook:  Happiness in a Void of Darkness

What Should We Focus on for Love?

As an individual, we're all lonely. We all seek out these deeply profound connections to other living beings in an effort to fill this gaping hole that can only exist in our minds. We pass people on the road, we pass people walking through the mall or store, we stand behind people in line at the restaurant, and yet we always have this longing for something more.

In theory, every lover should start as a friend but we all know that rarely happens. Boy sees girl, boy asks girl out on a date, then another date if the first goes well, and it is all with the intention of getting to a point of togetherness that extends well beyond a mere friendship and it all bases itself purely in a sense that the two people's attraction to one another was, essentially, enough to judge how lasting a relationship might be. (This is obviously a generalization and strictly being utilized to make a point – situations may vary.)

That is, primarily, a perfect depiction as to how desperate humanity is to fill the space next to the individual.

Even in situations where the two people desire a slower pace to get to know one another, that physical attraction can be alarmingly hard to deny, which can, in turn, spiral the entire process of getting to know another out of control. Before the two know it, a type of dependent relationship has been formed and the two individuals may not even be able to tolerate one another.

And still, it is just to occupy the innate emotion of loneliness – filling an imaginary gap in one's life. Looking at the dating world from this perspective, it is no wonder why so many marriages end in divorce, but how can we prevent it? Is it just the way humans are wired emotionally, latching onto narrow threads of emotional hope in an effort to justify time spent?

The opposite side of the spectrum isn't really any better - the non-committal side of the equation, casual and meaningless everything with casual encounters.  Sometimes they're lined up through the shady, back ended areas of the internet like Craigslist Personals and other times finding the one at the bar who is at just the right level of intoxication to drop their inhibitions for a night of adult fun, only to wake the next day and wonder why they made the choice to not use a rubber with someone they can barely remember the name of – was it Jamie or Jenny?

Both sides of this equation are trying to solve the same problem, despite their deeply different means of going about doing so, and yet both fail miserably. Why is this?

The answer is quite simple – no one ever really gets to know the other person before developing emotions. Better yet, how many people truly know themselves well enough to concern themselves with who someone else is? I get it, it is hard working full time, paying bills, trying to socialize with people you tolerate and sometimes enjoy, making dinner, cleaning the house, trying to find a hobby that gives you a reason to wake up the following day and do it all over again, and trying to find a love interest. It leaves little room to do the, perhaps, hardest things in the world – analyze yourself enough to fully understand who you are.

I'm not talking about the, “I know who I am because I enjoy the job I do and I have kids to take care of,” knowing, either. I'm talking about the kind of knowing in which there is full understanding of how you'd react in a situation never encountered before due to being able to visualize the emotions it would provoke inside. I'm talking about having such a deep understanding of yourself that you can sit in a room alone and think about where the emotions you are encumbered by stem from, and have the ability to work your way through it all to readily accept things as they truly are – not sugar coating them in a way that makes you feel better about them. I'm talking about the ability to call yourself out on how much of a bullshitter you truly are, not cover up lies with more lies because those lies you've told yourself to hide from the truth prevent you from seeing where the truth even began at.

There are few things in this world more painful than someone else seeing you for your true self when you can't. How much lonelier does it get to lie next to someone who sees your strengths and weaknesses when you've made up strengths to hide the fact that you have weaknesses? And really, who wants to be with someone who refuses to grow beyond where they are at in that stage of their life?

I firmly believe that the central point of every healthy relationship revolves around that one simple thing – knowing yourself, both people (or in some cases, three or four people – I'm not here to judge) involved in the relationship knowing themselves. If you can't maintain a realistic perspective of yourself then how can you have a realistic perspective of someone else, and if you can't have a realistic perspective of the person (or people) you're with then how can you ever hope to have a healthy relationship?

Anyway, let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

-Dustin S. Stover

For short stories written by me, follow the links below.

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Attraction (Let Me Get Personal)

With the recent influx of titles for sexual preferences, I thought it should be time that I put in my two cents in regards to attraction.

First off, I think labels are grossly misused.  Why should there be a thousand labels to identify someone's sexuality (or lack thereof)?  It is simple - do you like the person?  Yes?  No?  Alright, let's move on.

I've always struggled with why I'm desirable and I, very typically, come to the conclusion that it is for all the wrong reasons.  I feel that personality should be the highest priority in finding a partner, but it is the hardest part of a person to uncover.

More often than not, it is appearance that strikes someone's fancy.  It should be no wonder, then, why so many relationships fail.  By the point comes in which you discover the person's personality, what makes them unique, you're in too deep to just walk away.  It is also the time people discover their distaste for the other person.

Let me turn this a bit more personal.  It should come to no surprise to anyone who knows me that I've had my fair share of relationships, typically lasting far longer than their expiration date should have allowed.

Through these experiences I have discovered that there are two primary reasons people find themselves attracted to me.  Either through physical appearance, which I've already touched upon, or what I represent in their life.

I represent a fleeting moment in time.  A life that allows my discontent to be explored and turn otherwise relevant and staying points in time to be fleeting.  Even when I'm not moving I'm moving.  I'm a dream that people think they desire in life, the ability to pack up and leave at a given point in time without the fear of what could happen, the ability to leave a miserable job because I can live on pennies on the dollar and not think twice about it, and the ability to pursue my own goals uninhibited by the strains of loans, children to take care of, or whatever other social norms that I feel so far removed from that they only create consequences in my life by separating me further from the norm.

I feel that personality is the least likely to shine through even for myself, which I feel is, essentially, everything I am.

Is this really any different than anyone else, though?  Even the most simplistic person often feels desperately alone in their relationship - could it be that it all rides on them not feeling accepted, deep down, even on a subconscious level, by the one they've grown dependent upon?

I've always been into personality primarily.  Always.  A friend recently made a comment to me about how I don't have a body type of woman.  It is true.  Looking back through my history, I've never looked to a body type as a source of attraction.  I've chosen to look deep into who each person was, appreciate them for being this unique person who could only exist if their life experiences happened exactly as they did to bring them to the very point in time in which we met and then chosen to allow them complete expression of themselves.  Often times at the expense of my own expression, so it goes without wonder why I've felt so little acceptance in my previous affairs.  (Do not message me asking if this is about you.)

Don't get me wrong, a physical attraction has to be sparked somewhere in there; however, anyone can become attractive to another person if the emotions are there first and everyone has some type of preference for body type, but it boggles my mind when someone won't date another person because they are too tall or too short or too hairy, their hips too big, they are overweight, or whatever other reason.  Some of these things can be truly important, of course - say you lift weights and working out is a large part of your life, obviously someone who prefers to watch tv and is overweight won't be the one for you, but is that because of body type or lifestyle choices?

The whole point behind this post is that perspectives need to change.  The level of importance on what you call yourself sexually has been raised far too high.  Physical appearance has got to stop mattering as much if the desire is to be in a truly happy relationship - and if you have it matter less now then you'll find yourself attracted to someone in a way you never knew possible later.

Every human being is comprised of the same building blocks, we all have the same basic functionality - what makes us different are our personalities, not our appearance.  It is time that society started valuing that more.  Or don't.  That choice is ultimately up to you.

-Dustin S. Stover

My collection of short stories can be found through Kindle and Barnes and Noble.
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

This Ain't No Rodeo (Pt. 2)

Brandi had to deal with Zach's craziness for years. It was a type of insanity best related to post traumatic stress disorder, but she had a means to calm him in his worst of times.

The nightmares, however, had become increasingly frequent and vivid. Waking in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and crying out for his lost children. Brandi had not yet told him that she was expecting for fear of him having a bigger meltdown.

It was, perhaps, instinctual that Zach was reacting the way he was. He wanted more children. He longed for more children. His fragile mind, however, fears that he'll, again, have to watch their slaughter before his eyes.

Brandi had not started showing, but winter was working in her favor. It was on the horizon and it would be the excuse she needed to wear the bigger and baggier clothes for work to keep warm, hiding any signs she may be pregnant for the necessary time needed to ease Zach's mind into, again, becoming a father.

Brandi was none too sure about having a child herself, but she knew that it would make Zach happy if he could get over his fears.

Her arms wrap around him, it is a little past three in the morning, while his tears flow down his face and drip off into his lap. Her eyes swell with tears beginning to form as well, but she refuses to let them fall. It isn't her trying to be strong for him, it is her trying to prevent more sadness from him. He is, of course, acutely aware of how his emotions impact hers.

Her hands flow through his hair, freshly trimmed to a short cut, and kisses his forehead. “I'm sorry,” Zach says with softness.

“Don't apologize.” Her hand slides down to his stubbly bearded face as she uses the gesture to gently glide his face towards hers. Their eyes lock and instantly a gentle calm floats through him. Her gentle lips touch his soft and vague before slipping back at a distance where their faces become clear again. “We can make it through this.” His tears stop as her left hand slides down his back – the right still resting softly against his cheek.

She lay down beside him again and pulled his head to her shoulder. His arm slid over her stomach as he kissed the side of her neck. “Thank you.”

It was noon. The middle of the work day and Brandi had no patients. She found herself in the back of her office, the corner, facing books about current procedures in the medical field. Tears the size of rivers are flowing down her face and her right hand rests firmly on her stomach. Under the deep but soft breathing, she says, “how will I tell him?”

A firm, hard knock upon her door happens. She wipes the tears from her face and swiftly moves her hand from herself before telling whoever is there to enter.

“We are...” a pause fills the air. “Are you alright?”

“I'm fine.” Brandi, still not having turned around, peers from the corner of her eyes to see a male clerk named Johnny standing at the door. “What do you need?”

“We're running low on gauze. I need to run to the pharmacy to pick up some.” His speech came out concerned and desiring of more information. “I know I'm new here but I will listen to whatever you have going on.”

“Thanks.” Brandi's eyes stared into the books in front of her. “I'll be fine. Thank you.”

“You don't always have to be a bad ass.” The door shut behind Johnny as he made his way, presumably, to the pharmacy.

A steaming cup of coffee sits in front of Zach as he stares outside at his ranch, cattle feeding calmly, and his mind lost in some far away land where Brandi and he are living happily and without issue of his previous life. A plate with a half eaten biscuit with eggs to the side sit in front of him, the eggs steaming and coffee filling the air with a pleasant aroma. It is the physical icing of his emotional dreamland.

His fork slides into the egg and he lifts it to his mouth. There is a hint of pepper and salt combined with the egg and for a moment a smile forms on his face that escapes notice. Brandi, in his mind, is brushing a horse's mane and smiling back at him with those beautiful eyes that first caught his attention so many years ago and a smile the makes him melt still to this day.

Two of the cows outside walk alongside one another to a patch of grass as another lets out a loud moo. Zach takes a sip of coffee as he eyes peer towards the cattle but seeing a fantasy landscape instead.

An hour had passed when another knock came about the door of Brandi's office. Her ass was parked firmly in her chair, reading glasses cover her eyes as she read the latest story book to hit the shelves. Her work day was over as far as she was concerned, though she was mentally checked out before checking in.

Johnny peered his head through a crack he made in the door way. “I brought you some chocolate.”

Brandi's lips form into a smile. “Thank you.”

“There's a catch.”

“Oh? What's the catch?”

“You have to tell me what's going on.”

Brandi hunches over, but she knows she has to talk to someone. She can't figure out the answers herself. “Give me the chocolate.”

Johnny breaks off a piece of the chocolate and set it in her hand.

“You're serious about this, huh?” she smirks.

She lays it out on the table, but she has no choice. As soon as she starts giving up information it floods out of her like a river dam breaking. Johnny's facial expressions range from the joy he finds in Zach and Brandi's love for one another to the sadness he finds his Zach's past and how hard it is for him to pull out of it.

The time flows quickly as more and more of the story exposes itself. Finally, as Brandi finishes the story, Johnny offers up the most simplistic of solutions. “Tell him you're pregnant. It will give him a reason to concentrate on the future instead of the past.”

Brandi prepared a fire in the back yard after getting home, Zach still sat at the kitchen table staring off into his dream world. She sits down beside him and slides her right hand over his left to break his trance. The two lock eyes and smile at one another – her smile matching that of the one in his fantasy. “Let's go out back, babe. Let's enjoy being outside. The evening is perfect.”

They sit close to one another on a log just outside of the fire. Brandi's arms wrap around Zach and he melts into her body. They settle into the comfort of one another for a long moment that suspends itself in the air.

“Zach, my love, I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?” Zach says as their bodies are still melted together, and without moving to break the bond.

“I'm pregnant.”

Zach's heart stops momentarily as all of his fears come into the front of his mind – the memory of his children from his previous marriage dying in front of him, the memory of him being completely unable to do anything to save them. His heart begins to race faster and faster when, suddenly, Brandi's hand touches the side of his face to pull it to face her's.

“It will be ok. We have one another. This is a good thing.”

His eyes lock into hers and a calm flows over him. His heart slows to near normal levels. All he can see is her eyes, her lips, her face, her love. All he can feel is that moment in time, filling him as deeply as anything can. A smile forms on his face.

“I know it isn't going to be easy, but we can do this. We can do this together.”

Zach, without any intent or control, finds his lips matching hers in a passionate lock that stills time. After an eternity has passed, his lips peel back and he says, “yes. Yes, we can do this. I love you.”

-Dustin S. Stover

The Dilemmas of Love and Lust

Love and lust hold so many similarities and yet maintain very distinct differences.  The similarities make them very easily blurred, especially when emotionally fragile.  The differences, however, can absolutely ruin one or the other.

A prime example of this is cheating and those who cheat.  It should come as little surprise that the primary reason that any person would cheat is because they are lacking something in their primary relationship.  Sometimes that is emotional, sometimes that is physical, sometimes it is both, but assuredly it is because of love or lust.

Everyone craves love, whether we want to admit it or not.  We all have a strong desire to be completely accepted by another individual for who we are and feel a mutual acceptance for that person.  The real problem with this arises when people begin to show who they really are, or perhaps allow.

Lust, of course, is what everyone wants.  It can involve he emotions of love, but it may not necessarily be the same.  It is just an act of total passion.

There should always be a balance between the two in any healthy relationship, but obviously it is easy to fall into certain routines.  Those routines can easily destroy one side of that balance.  So what is a person to do after they've lost one side of that equation?

The simplistic answer is to talk it out and find a means to regain that balance to a satisfactory level.  Of course, from what most people have told me about their own relationships, this seems like the least likely option.  Apparently people find themselves in relationships in which talking out their differences to find something mutually beneficial is harder than what I could possibly imagine.

The next option, and what seems to happen far more frequently than is healthy, is to cheat.  Finding that someone at the local coffee shop, through online dating, or a coworker who can satisfy whatever is lacking in the situation.  It ends in some seriously hurt feelings or worse, far worse in some cases.

I find it rather interesting as to how common it is for open relationships to exist.  I shouldn't be surprised as I've had my own versions of this one in the past; however, I've found that the majority of people I know who do have these circumstances are the ones who either are or have partners who are unwilling to listen to the other person.

I should note that it isn't because they are bad people in the situations I've had people talk to me about, but rather it seems to be more of a pride thing.  No one wants to hear that they don't give good oral or can't last a satisfying length of time, but the fact is that these things happen.  Talking about them and bringing them into the open is the first step at accepting them, and only after accepting them can they be changed for the better.

I'm not going to pretend that I have any set advice on how to find a solution if you find yourself in this situation.  The only thing I can say about it is that you have to talk.  If you find yourself lacking the emotional side, especially if you're a man (and we know how hard that is) then express that, even if you don't even know that is what you're experiencing.  Just express yourself.  If you find yourself lustful after that feeling of pure, raw, uninhibited sexual fantasy and desire, even as a woman, then express that to your partner.  You may not be able to find a happy middle ground, but at least it is a start towards figuring out how to find one.

-Dustin S. Stover

For more of my writing, click below.
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

When is it Time to Move On?

I have always found myself around or in unhealthy relationships.  It seems to be even more prevalent now compared to my past, but perhaps that is because I've opted to not pursue those unhealthy relationships that I'd have went into headstrong in my youth.

Every day, however, I see the things people hold with such high regards slipping through their finger tips.  The sands of time have a wicked way of escaping us while we focus on how to fix what we find so wrong in our lives.

This brings me to a theory I've grown to appreciate.  I'm not sure if I'm the first person to ever think it up, but I've never heard anyone else express it openly.  Here goes.

Essentially, humans as a whole want to enjoy life.  When thinking critically about what people look forward to and enjoy most in life, it isn't the objects they possess but the experiences they have throughout their life.

Experiences, however, change perspectives.  Anyone who has friends knows that having an experience with friends is more enjoyable, but is it ever the same experience for two people?  I don't think so.  The importance of this is simple - if two people carry different emotions through the same experience then what they gain through the experience will shape them differently.

Of course, other experiences can bring two people closer together, but eventually there will be enough experiences driving a wedge into the evolution of the two people to cause a desire to separate.

There is a logical, but very destructive, means to avoid experiences creating a gap in growth and that is to not experience new things.  This goes without saying that being an adult causes this to happen anyway.  Obligating one's self to a job or career automatically means that the free time to go out and live an exciting life isn't nearly as available as it was in youth; however, even the amount of experiences one could have can be narrowed drastically.

This, too, can have a backfiring effect.  For example, if I am in a relationship and suddenly find myself in a stale lifestyle in which experiences stop coming my way then I will very swiftly find myself unhappy.  If the person I'm with is the one who doesn't ever want to go out and experience anything then then, well, obviously the two of us shouldn't be together.

Having been in a relationship that started off with grand adventures and travels and ending in little more than simply watching television shows and arguing over where we were going to eat for dinner, I can honestly say that I would rather be alone.

Another addition to this theory is that no two people will emotionally evolve at the same rate.  Some people don't want to change, some don't acknowledge how they can change for the better, and some people are constantly striving to make their lives better for tomorrow in any number of ways.

All these things bring me to a conclusion that, perhaps, relationships are not meant to last forever.  Perhaps they simply work for a period of time and then it is time to leave them for the next, someone who is more keen to where you are in life and match more evenly.  That makes me sound very cold hearted, I know, but that could be the most healthy for all of us.

This perspective has also helped me appreciate everyone I've been with to a much larger degree.  I don't expect anyone to change their lifestyle or me.  I don't desire to change anyone's mentality just to hold onto a sinking ship.  I've loved.  I've lost.  I will likely do both again, but I have a great deal of respect for (almost) every girl I've ever dated.  I also think that, because of this mentality, I am far happier for those women wen they move on and find happiness with other people.

This is all complete theory, though, and it isn't as though I have anything beyond my own personal experiences to base this upon.  Ultimately, everyone has to do whatever they feel is going to make them most happy.

-Dustin S. Stover

My collection of short stories:
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Art of Healthy Relationships

I recently read an article about what women need in a relationship. It got me thinking that men are equally needy in a relationship but those needs get overlooked. Beyond men being equally needy, men and women often times need the same things.

After reading the article I posted a link to a social media site which got a few comments. I noticed that the comments all repeated a similar statement – men just need food, beer and sex. I happen to know this is false because I'm a man and don't drink alcohol at all.

I have compiled a list of things below that are universally needed in a relationship with some male only needs for good measure.

A person in a relationship needs to know you love them. It goes beyond just saying the words, too. Show them you love them and they will return that sentiment.

People need active support in their decisions. Anyone can say, “yeah, honey, I think it is a good idea. You should do it.” It takes a different kind of person to help the loved one figure out payroll in their new found company.

Space. Too much space is as damaging to a relationship as too little space and every person in the world requires their own amount of space.

They want to be understood. You don't have to know exactly what to say in any given situation, but they want you to have some degree of understanding where they are coming from at any time. You may not understand their excitement over a new pair of shoes or a pool table, but you should know that they will react that way when they get it.

People want to feel special. Why do you love the other person? There are millions of reasons why someone can fall in love with another person, but why do you love the other person? Once you've figured that out then learn to express it. Is it their intelligence? Do they make you feel safe? Can you open up to them entirely? Let them know.

Everyone wants to feel sexually desired. The way someone wants to feel sexually desired is as individual as the person, but everyone wants that feeling. Whether it is through raw lust, intimate passion, being dominated or subordinate. The moment the other person stops feeling sexually desirable then the sex life diminishes and sex is a vital part of any healthy relationship.

We all want our pasts to be accepted. We made mistakes, and every one of us are a work in progress in some way. It is the human way to evolve our personalities throughout our life and in order to do that we must make mistakes along the way. Some will be a doozy, some will be shrugged off as though they don't matter, and others really won't matter but we all want the other person to understand that we're not there any more.

We all want a future with the one we love. I do not know of anyone who gets into a relationship and thinks, “this is it. My life can end tomorrow and it is perfect.” We all want to experience a future with the loved one, otherwise we wouldn't be in the relationship. That means growing together through experiences. When the experiences stop then the life with that person becomes dull. Everyone needs a different amount of experiences as well, so again this all falls back on understanding your partner.

Lastly, and this goes primarily for men, we need bacon. Bacon is great. Men love bacon and always appreciate it when a woman makes us some.

-Dustin S. Stover

For a collection of my short stories:
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness