The Glue that Binds

I've seen a great deal more relationships than I could ever count.  We all have, really.  Whether it be the beginning of a relationship where a couple holds hands across the table or does that overly annoying sitting on the same side of the booth nonsense or it being the couple that has clearly been together for so long that they don't even care to make eye contact while they eat.

What, then, can make two people stay together?

I've put quite a lot of thought process into this question and I've boiled it down to two very distinct things - dependency and connection.  They aren't mutually exclusive, and most of the time a couple doesn't need but one.

As an example, I've seen relationships that the two fight incessantly, have no positive communication skills at all, don't even share the same interests, yet they stay together.  I've been close to couples like this, close enough to hear both sides of their stories and gotten quite a good feel as to why each one stays.  From this, the central point is that they depend on one another.  Sometimes that dependency comes from emotional security - knowing someone will be there.  Other times it comes from financial dependency - life is expensive for a huge portion of people.

Obviously this comes with an inherent grouping of problems.

The connection side of things, those long conversations about nothing and everything all at once.  The little experiences, like that hole in the wall restaurant, becoming some grand story symbolic of the love for one another, and all of those other small details that grow into massive lumps of butterflies in the stomach form into the connection we all crave.

That one sounds like the obvious winner of the competition of gluing, but is it?

Now, let me dive into exploring the consequences of each.

In the dependency corner, it can give one person more of an edge than the other - especially if one person is dependent on the other for tangibles.  The person in control of the commodities will gravitate towards feeling as though they are the more important role in the relationship, naturally.  It then becomes increasingly important for that person to become aware that they are choosing to stay in the relationship for a reason - they, too, are dependent on that other person.

Exploring the emotional dependency, then, we find that it becomes much the same power struggle.  For simplicity's sake, let's say a female becomes emotionally dependent on a male.  The male, at this point, can use that power to degrade the self esteem of the other person, to the point that it then becomes a feeling that they not only want the emotional support but feel they can't get it elsewhere, either.

The connection corner comes it with some pretty severe consequences as well.  For one, it can become quite addictive, yet when that entry level connection wears off and the day to day life starts reducing those hole in the wall restaurants to a simple meal it becomes easy to translate that to losing interest in the other person.

There is also the downside of, if the relationship ends, having to go back to those places and remembering the events that transpired - I still can't go to one of the coffee shops I used to frequent without being reminded of that fireplace lit conversation, just the two of us sitting there and the owner dimming the lights, making it look closed for all but us.

Anyway, communication is the real problem solver here.  It is equally important for all parties to know why the two of you (or three, or four, or more in some cases) stay together.  Not always will someone like to hear it.  It will always open the door to real conversation about things, though.

-Dustin S. Stover

Space and Distance

We all know those couples.  Those couples we see out and about, holding hands constantly, giving one another those super awkward glances of lovey dovey butterflies in your stomach that are sure to fade away within a month or two.

And like those puppy love induced romantics, we all know the couples who sit at a table together not even making eye contact.  The two have grown so stale with one another that not even the hand of God could swoop down and push them together.

I like to imagine they are all the same.  That old couple got its start being lovey dovey and vomit inducing romantics, but then I have to dream up a story that gets them to the point of misery and intolerance.

Usually the stories go something like this - the two smother one another until one has had enough.  The other keeps pressing to smother the other which makes the first start resenting the other.  Before you know it, ten years have past but they are totally dependent upon one another.

So what, then, could help this situation?  I believe space would be a good place to start.  Instead of two people smothering one another, why not give enough space to let the other person figure out the real you... or you figure out the real them?  Hurling one's self directly into the eye of the storm will never give an accurate portrayal of the other.

This, of course, should obviously be regarded as a delicate tight rope walk.  How much space is enough?  How much is too much?  This, of course, has the obvious answer of there being no definite answer.  Every person is different and needs drastically different things.

For example, I would be on one extreme of the spectrum - needing a lot of space.  Someone smothering me will get locked out of my life faster than they could say, "hey, what do you want to do for dinner?"

In fact, that is why a few of my relationships haven't worked out so well.  Go figure.

This will also change with time - people always need some space, even if they've been with someone for decades.  Maybe a week long fishing trip with the friends where the significant other isn't invited.  Maybe a spa trip.  Maybe just a nice long drive.

I think that having space is important for a multitude of reasons.  For starters, it allows two people to start missing one another.  I don't mean missing in the sense of them being lost, I mean it as a sense of missing the things they do - maybe the way they laugh, maybe the way they sign their name, maybe the way they make your favorite meal, it really doesn't matter what it is so long as it matters.

It also gives an individual the ability to process.  Maybe there was an argument that happened a month ago that had been laying dormant in your mind and it gives adequate time to delve into it, find out why it bothers you, and more importantly, understand their perspective.

Plus, it is just good to spend some time away to refresh.  A lover should never feel like a burden, but it is impossible to be around someone constantly without feeling a loss of individuality.  Refreshing the center of self can be empowering.

So then how much distance should there be in that space?  Well, again, that is a person to person basis.  Maybe it is just being in the garage while the other is inside.  Maybe it is going on a month long trip to Canada.  Maybe it is a six month hike through the Appalachian Trail.  Alright, that last one is probably pretty extreme and may end in divorce.  Use with caution (or take them with you.  That could be quite a fun experience!)

Any way you look at it, space and distance should be accounted for in every healthy relationship.  It could also say something pretty important about your relationship if you never feel satisfied with the lack of enough space.

-Dustin S. Stover

Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Bones in the Alleyway

There is something so peaceful as one gazes back in time.  Sure, emotions arise from the past events.  Sure the nasty things we went through pop into those memory lanes, but it is peaceful.

When I stare down those dark and abandoned alleyways, littered with the remains of past lives, lovers, and those who got in the way, I know that I've cleared a path all my own and on my own.  The accomplishment is mine.

The trick is, of course, to not stare for too long.  The peacefulness wears off when bones start being picked up.  It is hard to sit in the comfy chair while crying over the spilled milk of yesteryears.

The watch on my wrist doesn't stop moving, either.  Today may be a bad enough day that recalling the turmoil of the past makes me feel better, more accomplished, and like I'm moving forward in life, but tomorrow may be missed entirely.

So I'll massage my own feet before sleep tonight.  They'll be ready for a thousand steps tomorrow.  Who knows, maybe the following day will have me seeing these bones.

-Dustin S. Stover
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Those Wretched, Long Toenails

Every time I clip my toenails there is an unbearable screech that can be heard for miles around. It is a tremendous force that shakes me to my core. It does not, however, come from me. Nor does it come from my toenails – which, arguably, could be consider a part of me that I've cut off. Regardless, the screech is incredibly painful.

Yet, what is a person to do? Don't cut the toenail and they grow to such a long length that feet become painful, or they can curl around and make walking unpleasant.

There is something so pleasant about ridding myself of those pesky hard shells. There is, perhaps, a reminder that things change in a rather nonchalant and unnoticed way. We don't feel the nails growing. There isn't any real problem with them until they've grown too long, but then there is a real problem with them.

That screech, though. That bloody fucking screech. It feels like it will never end even though it lasts for seconds. The screech is so loud that it is deafening, painful, and borderline killer.

There is something about it that I miss once I stop clipping those damn things, though. Maybe it is that the sounds feel like home. I'd like the say it is the action itself but I know that isn't true. I find it rather dull, to be completely honest.

Maybe it is that satisfaction I feel after the screeches stop.

Actually, I'm sure that is what it is. There is a feeling of accomplishment every time that wretched sound is cleansed from my ears. It is like I've had some grand successful mission, a huge accomplishment that only a minor amount of people have been able to complete.

Truthfully, though, it just feels like letting go of the past.

Honesty and Why It Is Better to be So

Why do people lie?  There are times, sure, in which the person doesn't get caught, but what benefit does it really have to lie?

Humanity has a strong tendency to try hiding things from others by lying about it.  Hell, everyone does it.  It is pretty well ingrained into ourselves from the time we're born - whether it be to put on a facade of Santa Claus for children, giving money for lost teeth under the name of the tooth fairy, to the stories our parents read to us, all the way to our parents lying to us when explaining why mommy and daddy are yelling at one another (or any other subsequent event that would have a negative impact on perception of mommy and daddy together).

This, of course, never ends well.  A child learns that Santa isn't real, or the tooth fairy, and dreams get shattered with lighting speed.  We discover that, hey, our parents have some pretty serious arguments and, upon reaching that first major argument we have with our significant others, we realize they, too, are just human.

Essentially, being a teenager and early adult ends up being the harsh reality that we've been lied to our entire lives, but since it is all we know then how do we escape it?  Of course, this is where I interject and say, "understanding is the first step in the journey to resolve."

That isn't what this blog post is about, though.  This post is to point out some pretty major flaws in lying and how it impacts all those around.

This brings me to the act of lying.  Let's say, as a completely hypothetical, someone has made actions they are none-too-proud of - like eating a cake when they are claiming to be on a diet or cheating on their significant other.  Well, it is easy to understand why they wouldn't want to fess up to the action.  A whole fucking cake?  That's insane.

But then, you ate the cake.  Someone, somewhere is going to be wondering what happened to that box of cake mix.  What do you say?  Well, you don't want them to know so you say you threw the box out so you wouldn't be tempted.  Your significant other, the one you're lying to, believes you.  Cool, you've succeeded in eating that giant fucking cake.

But wait - the day after you ate the cake, and before you turned the dishwasher on to clean those dirty dishes, a friend was over and put their wine glass into the dish washer.  What did they see?  They saw that glass cake pan with the remnants of a cake on it.

Now, weeks, maybe months later that friend is over, hanging out with you and your significant other and something is brought up about cake.  That guilty conscience of yours is suddenly kicked into overdrive and, bam, you have to announce once again that you haven't ate any cake in 6 months or better.  The problem is,of course, no one brought up your lack of cake eating.  The friend, remembering in that very point in time, perhaps mentions the cake pan they saw that fateful day.  Maybe they don't, though.

It should be noted now that if they don't mention that cake pan then the situation is far worse.

If they mention the cake pan then suddenly you have to make up a new lie.  Perhaps, oh, you made a cake for a coworker but it wasn't the same cake mix - it was a cake mix you went out to buy after you threw the other one away.  Maybe you make up a lie about how it wasn't icing plastered on the side of the cake pan, it was something that resembled it.  Maybe you deflect and blame it on your significant other.

Anything that happens, however, everyone in the room is now noticing something even if they don't realize it.  They are noticing that you're acting off.  You're acting as though you're in on a secret that you're trying to convince everyone else that it isn't a secret.

Let me take a step back.  Let's assume that the friend doesn't say anything about the said cake pan and let me explain why the not mentioning it is the worse of the options.  If the friend doesn't bring up the cake pan they very obviously saw in your dishwasher, well, that means, quite simply, they have lost trust in you to tell the truth and simply have no desire to hear any more of your lies.

Now, back to the scenario of it being brought up - perhaps you get away with it.  The cake pan is dropped and no one has caught the fact that you just lied.  The problem is that they now noticed your actions being odd.  Maybe it didn't register, but from that point forth, every time your actions resemble those actions it will be related back to you acting funny.  Eventually, and this is an obvious one at this point, it is all going to link together - provided you stay in the people's lives long enough.  That eventual event is going to cause them to think about all those times - well, maybe not all, but enough.  Now is when your significant other loses trust in you.

Of course, how can your significant other talk to you about it?  You lied about eating a whole fucking cake, for fuck's sake.  Confronting you about it is obviously just going to lead to more lies and even if you come clean at this point, well, how would anyone know if you're omitting more of the truth?  Saying that you only ate part of the cake is a lie when you know you ate the whole thing.

Now, typically the people outside of the situation, but around it enough to witness it regularly, will catch on far sooner than your significant other.  They don't have the same kind of emotional ties.  Understandable, but then who do you have to turn to when your significant other leaves you?  None of your friends trust you, and if they do then they are probably just as untrustworthy as you are.

And there is the real shame in lying.  It isn't getting caught.  It isn't the fact that the whole cake is gone and you ate it all.  The shame comes when you realize just how alone you are and the only person you have to blame is yourself.  Eat the cake, just don't hide the fact that you did it.  Let those around you judge you or not judge you accordingly.  You'll find that those who accept the fact that you ate the cake make you feel far less alone in the world than those who just believe that you never ate the fucking thing in the first place.

-Dustin S. Stover

For my collection of short stories, find the digital copy below:
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

The Perplexing Complications of Finances and Relationships

Finances are claimed to be one of the biggest reasons for arguments in relationships, and with little wonder.  Either there isn't enough of it and the couple is stressing to pay for things or do extra things, perhaps one person makes significantly more than the other and thus a power struggle is formed, or perhaps splurge spending is to blame for the argument.

Now I'm going to extend my arms in an effort to form a hypothesis correlating the current state of the economy, along with how it has been for my entire adult life, and the increase in the rate of divorce.

First, and I'm aware at how unpopular this opinion is in the masses of this country (USA), but I don't believe anyone who works full time should be suffering financially so bad that they are forced to eat Ramen Noodles for dinner just to keep their bills paid - I actually believe that a first world country should feed into a healthy living for all who contribute to the work force, regardless of their job.  Save your arguments on that topic for another day.

Now, having said that, if a couple makes decent enough money to sustain an actual life together, affording to take vacations together or do activities together, I believe that the divorce rate would significantly drop.  Perhaps it isn't the money itself that is the problem, but rather it is the inability to share in activities that encourage personal and relationship growth.

I know I've said in the past that experiences can be taken in drastically different ways between two people who share in said experience but not having any experiences will dull the relationship even more quickly.  At least the memories are building when experiences are shared as opposed to watching television, which is to say, watching other people do things.  Arguably, a good television show is an experience, but does a television show compare to a month long road trip across ten state lines?  Does it really compare to seeing the depth of the Grand Canyon first hand?  Does it really compare to people watching in Paris?

I don't believe it does.  There is one thing that all of these experiences have in common - they all require money.  Even something as minor as driving 15 hours for a vacation can add up to a thousand dollars or more once you include hotel stay, gas or airplane tickets, and food.  Especially if you want to make it a worthwhile trip and stay for a week.  That doesn't include souvenirs you may want to purchase.

The sad truth of the matter is that I know more people that struggle to come up with that thousands of dollars than otherwise, people who aren't necessarily bad with their money just people who don't have the money to be bad with.  It isn't from a lack of work, either.  They work their asses off.

To relate it back to the relationship aspect - arguments are formed because the couple never do anything together.  There are only going to be so many times a couple can visit the same "favorite" restaurant before it no longer offers a special feeling, only so many times that quick trip to the movies for some alone time is realized to be a lack of connection.  Still, those things cost money and I've seen hard working couples struggle to afford tickets to see a movie or to go to that nice restaurant once every six months.

Then comes the logical answer - they need to find better jobs.  The problem with this is, and we all know how this turns out, how stressful is it searching for a new job?  Is the new job going to be worse than the old one?  How about the pay?  How about the hours?  How about that one really shitty employee that you get stuck with every single fucking time you are forced to work alongside someone else?  And who gets all those stresses taken out on?

Yeah, that's right, the significant other.

No one works because they want to work, regardless of what they tell themselves.  Everyone works so they can support hobbies and experiences.  When a couple can't afford hobbies and experiences, how can a relationship survive?

I'm not at all an economics professional, but I believe that if money weren't such a major issue then we would see relationships - and marriages, especially - stand together for a significantly longer time.

-Dustin S. Stover

Purchase my collection of short stories in the links below.
Kindle: Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook: Happiness in a Void of Darkness

Toxicity in Relationships

It is so easy to ignore the toxic behaviors of a person you love, or believe to love, while in a relationship with them, and the way that toxic behaviors exist can be as wide ranging as there are the amount of people in the world.  I will outline some of the behaviors I find most unsettling in this blog.

First, lies.  Lies can come in so many different flavors and just about everyone is guilty of shifting the truth in some fashion or another, but severe lying - compulsive, even - is something drastically different.  If you catch your lover in lies and they deny those lies, or find ways to circle around their lies to confuse and defer blame of those lies then there is something seriously unhealthy going on.

This is one of those things that doesn't even have to be direct, either.  Just the fact that your lover lies in general means that it is only a matter of time before your trust in this person dissipates into oblivion.

Passive aggressive comments are another big sign of an unhealthy relationship, especially if they are done in such a fashion that makes it seem like a joke in public.  Let's just take out the possibility of it being meant seriously, that means your lover is utilizing you as the butt of their joke.  That instantly puts on display a lack of respect for you.  Now, obviously, comes the fact that there is meaning behind it as otherwise it wouldn't be said.

Passive aggressive comments belittle the recipient to such a degree that the effects aren't directly known.  Their emotional and mental well being just consistently shrinks over time, the more they hear these comments, so that where they may have initially thought, "this is a harmless joke," they no longer laugh.

Then there is controlling behavior.  If your lover tries to dominate what you do, how you do things, or expects severe double standards out of the relationship - especially if they have far more freedom than you do - then there is a very degrading situation brewing.

It isn't fair to anyone in a relationship to be looked at as less of a person inside the relationship, and it most certainly isn't conducive to allowing the person to grow into a better person.

Analyzing these traits, at least in my mind, leads me to believe they are all inherently connected by a single personality trait - insecurity.

Why would someone lie so consistently, and then try to wrap their denial around in so many paths that it is impossible to follow?  Because they are insecure with themselves and look for a means to feel better about their actions.

Why would someone make such passive aggressive comments?  Because they don't know how to effectively portray what they feel in a constructive, healthy, and respectful fashion - and why wouldn't they know how to do that?  Because they are insecure about their feelings.

Why would someone be so controlling?  Because they feel that if they don't control the person then they will lose the person - again, insecurity.

Now, what is the most basic reason for insecurity?  What is the root of why a person is so insecure?  Where does it stem from, insecurity?

You tell me what you think the answer may be.

-Dustin S. Stover

For my collection of short stories, click below:
Kindle:  Happiness in a Void of Darkness
Nook:  Happiness in a Void of Darkness